Rape in 2015

Growing up as an adolescent in the 1970’s, I attended college at Sewanee, a primarily male institution that had just allowed women to enter its gates. Back then like today, some young men were aggressive, some sweet and kind. Women and men participated in drinking and drugging on campus and date rape sometimes occurred.

Nowadays, with rape so common nationally and globally, we have to wonder why men still abuse women? Why do men use their strong bodies or weapons to physically overpower women? This is not just the rape of strangers in dark alleys but rape in fancy educational settings, housing privileged kids where rape is an institutional hazard, a nightmare, and a disgrace.

The Nashville trial of young Vanderbilt men this past week illustrates that rape, or even alleged rape ruins lives. For women, men and families. However, many women still do not speak up and admit to being raped because of embarrassment and horror as well as anger toward themselves for “letting it happen” and toward a society that allows it, fearing that nothing will be done and that they themselves will be slut-shamed if they do report.

Do we need stiffer penalties and punishments to show men that women will not stand for such treatment, that rape is abominable?

Let’s also wonder about the nature of human beings wherein all genders have conflicts at times with each other and within ourselves, especially when power is involved, which is every day. Complex dynamics and messy situations occur.Who dares to think that pushing anyone to have sex with them is OK, that having sex with an unconscious body is all right? When will more women and men speak up to stop these men?

Men will have a far better time in life if they respect that women have rules. Rules like, “Don’t violate my body without my permission” for any reason whatsoever. Just like when we women ask our legislators to stay out of our bodies and out of making important decisions about our bodies.

We need to respect each other and not expect anyone else to do what we want just because we want it. If we become good, decent people and look at others as being just the same and as equal as we are, maybe we will decrease the violence we tend to do to each other in all sorts of ways. Maybe if men felt better about themselves, they wouldn’t rape.

To those men who rape, drunk, high or not, please ask yourselves why you need to harm someone else in order to build up your self esteem that is surely lacking. Rape only displays your inadequacy as a man, someone who has to violate others to experience power. Only the weak, scared, angry and confused lash out violently. Raping a woman does not make you a man. It makes you a criminal, who needs help and punishment.

American Gun Violence

This could be an article complaining about police and American brutality against black and brown men and boys, or about violence in our American culture in general. Rather, this piece is about living in a society where gun violence leads to many unnecessary deaths of adults and children, and what we can do to change this fact.

I am not against all guns. I grew up in the Mississippi Delta where my family hunted and ate their kill. Now, the enormous amount of gun sales and the types of military artillery available to the public have escalated, and kids are growing up playing first-person shooter video games nonstop.

When I was a young, single woman living on my own, my father offered me a pistol for protection and asked me to learn to shoot it in case I ever needed it. When I birthed a child, I gave it back due to its dangerous presence in our home.

On December 31, 2014, an Idaho toddler reached into his mother’s purse at Walmart, pulled out her legally concealed weapon, shot and killed her with three kids watching. How will those children ever make sense of this accidental but extreme violence? The toddler shooter will never erase the visual, the horror, and the facts.

Last week, I watched a video from The New York Times: No Guns for Christmas. I paused to wonder what I can do as an individual to halt gun violence: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/23/opinion/no-guns-for-christmas.html? emc=edit_th_20141223&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=58340336&_r=0&assetType=opinion

I believe in nonviolent action as a way to solve problems and have written much about issues of social justice, civil and human rights, violence, women’s rights, and income equality in the past. What I can do is to speak up again.

I understand we live in the Deep South. I understand that some people love to hunt or just shoot guns for sport. At Christmastime, my brother and I used to shoot down mistletoe from trees with a pellet gun. But, viewing this video where a young black man holding an air rifle at WalMart gets so quickly and inhumanely killed, makes me not only sorrowful but full of rage. Watching a 12 year old black boy get killed by police in Ohio within only 2 seconds of visual sight breaks my heart. When will our nation directly address and resolve these issues of unnecessary gun violence? And, why is there not more recourse when police kill so irresponsibly? If we stay silent, all victims’ blood is on our hands.

Doing nothing is an action. During 2015, please get more actively involved in the solution to this problem of gun violence, working together with others to discover new ways to decrease human and police brutality and accidents. We can change this tragic trend if we commit to this action. 

'Tis the Season to be Jolly?

’Tis the season to be jolly? Unfortunately, not for everyone.

For some people, the holiday season brings along with it no joy or peace but depression and despair. I am offering some hope.

I wish that all people could be joyful and peaceful on any particular day. But, that just doesn’t happen. We sometimes ignore or neglect those loved ones and others who seem down during the holidays because they make us uncomfortable. After all, depression can seem contagious. Or, we may want to fix it for those people and we may get irritated or sullen if they don’t take our advice.

Instead of trying to talk others out of such negative feelings like being disheartened, lonely, or anxious, what if we just acknowledge or accept that they may just be feeling those ways? What if we pat them on the back, figuratively or physically, and say that we are there for them during this season supposedly full of happiness and light? Maybe then, these people might feel a tiny bit of connection with and understanding from us. Or, maybe they won’t.

We cannot talk anyone out of their feelings. Not children, not parents, not friends. Life just doesn’t work that way. Yes, we would love for others to feel better. We also wish we could help them, but trying to tell a hopeless or depressed person that they just need to count their blessings and be grateful for what they do have, is like sticking in a knife and twisting it. That kind of talk often prompts them to feel worse. We, then, have to deal with our own feelings of being powerless to change their lives for them.

We psychotherapists have full offices at this time of year. Those without loved ones often feel terribly alone, and those who do have a support network can sometimes feel bad too because of conflicts within that group, maybe feeling excluded, rejected.

Those of us who do experience joy, peacefulness and hope can surely be available to help those less fortunate. But, how?

I recommend to all who know anyone who may be suffering around this time of year: Get in touch with just one such person. Tell them that you are thinking about them. Ask them how they are doing, and be prepared to listen if they want to tell the honest truth. Then, look deep inside yourself and see if you can remember a time in your life when you were feeling down, angry or upset. Did anyone reach out to you during that time? You can draw upon your own compassion for those in pain, even if their behavior is obnoxious at times. Respond to them with love and caring, or just listen and reflect their feelings. Know that you may have added just a tiny bit of meaning and connection to their experience during these often troubling holidays.

'Tis the season to be giving.

Marriage equality will not solve sexual orientation discrimination issues: Study finds economic vulnerability in states that allow discrimination

With growing acceptance nationwide toward marriage equality, the state-by-state approach as it regards employment non-discrimination and other forms of inequality for LGBT people has created a "good news, bad news" scenario for many, including those of us in Tennessee.

Good news: Marriage equality has gained traction and momentum in the last few years, a movement on the cusp of positive transition throughout the nation.

Good news: The Federal government has just announced protections for transgender workers, according to LGBTQNation, stating that:“The U.S. government is now interpreting federal law to explicitly prohibit workplace discrimination against transgender individuals. The Department of Justice says transgender individuals are covered under Civil Rights Act of 1964.” Progress is being made.

Nashville mayoral candidate Megan Barry agrees this is a good thing, and also acknowledges the bad news for Tennesseans. "I’m happy to see that the federal government will protect transgender Americans from employment discrimination by state and local agencies," she told me. "However, we still have a long ways to go to eliminate all forms of discrimination in the workplace. No person should ever be denied employment based on their race, religion, national origin, gender, or because of whom they love.”

Good news: Discrimination of LGBT people has decreased over the years and many Americans are happy about that change.

Bad news: Over half of the states in our United States have not passed non-discrimination laws.  How the new Federal ruling affects states will soon be determined.

A new report from the Williams Institute finds that “LGBT Americans in the 29 states without state laws that prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation consistently see greater disparities than in the 21 states with such laws, including less social acceptance, greater economic vulnerability, especially among African-American LGBT workers, and wider household income gaps.” The report maintains that with the legal landscape of rights and protections for LGBT Americans shifting from state to state, LGBT Americans are suffering. We live in one of those places, the South. This may come as no surprise, but what we do about this is what matters.

Many LBGT people do suffer in the South. Think about the studies that illustrate the health disparities between African Americans and white Americans. African Americans have higher health risks than white Americans on average. Friends of mine in the Civil Rights Movement talk about the breaking of the spirit of those who are oppressed, those different from the majority, those who have less power and presence in our government. Breaking people’s spirits leads to serious physical and emotional health problems, to rage, apathy, depression and despair. Productivity decreases in workers, suicides increase, and families are torn apart.

Good news: Because of these disparities, the Human Rights Campaign has endorsed a federal LGBT non-discrimination bill to address discrimination in credit, education, employment, federal funding, housing, jury service and public accommodations for all Americans.

Perhaps if this bill passes there will be fewer differences between states in terms of how LGBT people are treated and respected. We can hope that the nation and our leaders respond affirmatively to this bill. Please speak to your legislators and other leaders about all of these issues.“Viewing gender identity discrimination as sex discrimination already covered in the law is a huge step forward for the safety and prosperity of transgender and gender nonconforming people," Chris Sanders, from the Tennessee Equality Project, said. "The safest course is to back up the federal interpretation with court precedent and federal, state, and local laws that explicitly protect people from discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity. So the work continues.”

One day maybe we will be able to say that we are One Nation…. indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

We are all connected

We are all connected.

I am the hovering hawk.
I am the dainty dog.
I am the powerless person.
Rest in Peace, Brave Bean.

A Plea for Rationality during Elections

Many variables exist when people vote or don’t vote during elections, very few of them having to do with rationality.

People often vote with their gut, a strong feeling about who or what is right or wrong. There are many studies about voting behaviors and at least one party seems to do a great job at convincing voters to vote sometimes against their own best interests, geniuses at marketing and playing upon people’s fear, and perhaps upon their hope and greed.

We all want the American Dream.  If the 1% has a bunch of money, then we want to vote for leaders who represent the 1% because we think that we may be able to achieve that Dream, too.  Unfortunately, these candidates are beholden to those wealthy 1% and will vote for tax benefits for them while asking for more taxes from the middle class and the poor. How does that  sync up with the best interests of the middle class or the poor?  What about voting for what is good for everyone and not just for what I think is good for me?  

Recently, Scott Aikin and Robert Talisse, Vanderbilt philosophy professors, spoke to the League of Women Voters about their new book, Why We Argue (And How We Should): A Guide to Political Disagreement. They discuss how we act upon beliefs about controversial moral issues. We watch and listen to the media. We devour sound bites without educating ourselves about what is real, factual and true.

Much brain research suggests that our first impressions about people are solid and don’t often change, even when we are presented with hard, cold facts.  Aikin and Talisse describe how we are influenced by the positive charisma of certain personalities.  If we watch a debate, we often believe what the most charismatic individual says even if he or she is inaccurate. Charm and even candidates’ good looks can win races on both sides of the aisle. We vote for the person or party much of the time and not about ideas or a platform of issues and planned actions.

Our country elects its leaders with a majority, so that a large portion of voters who voted against an elected candidate are miserable and dissatisfied, leading to terrible voter morale. Why vote at all?

It is a hard job to be an educated voter and election outcomes are highly influenced by the actions of those who don’t vote.  Tennessee recently had the lowest voter turnout except for Texas.  Why is that? 

Maybe partly because the poor can’t easily take 3 hours off from their jobs to vote. New early voting restrictions and voter ID laws rule out many, and some seem not to care.  Are we willing to live with laws decided by only 1/3 of our eligible voters?

Let’s do the hard work. Let’s look at all the facts, make rational decisions, and help everyone vote.

Violence Interrupted

The answers to decreasing violence in our society are not simple. There are many complicated, complex parts of our American system that need changing, and it will take us all working together to create and implement new ways to deal with violence within ourselves and between each other. 

As long as human beings walk the earth, some violence will occur.  Although we cannot eradicate all violence, we can manage our laws differently and focus on the mental and emotional health of our people to reduce the amount of tragedy among us.

Change begins with a shift in some of our beliefs about life and health. America teaches us that “healthy” often means “success” which can harm people and the earth. Some win and some lose. Competition reigns and only recently has collaboration been adopted as a possibly better way of doing business, supporting agreement instead of the winner takes all.  As long as there are people there will be conflict, and we should devote our attention to working through those conflicts nonviolently, if at all possible. Two of my hopes are reducing our own violence, verbally and physically, toward others and ourselves, and supporting laws that minimize access to assault weapons.

Unfortunately, when states like Tennessee and Georgia allow guns in all sorts of public places, then accidents, suicides, and impulsive acts and planned murders are more likely to occur. Also, as long as the large gap between the wealthy and the poor continues and as long as there is a death penalty, violence continues.

We live in a society that praises those who support both war and drone use with other countries, and who support violence within America in more subtle but no less harmful ways, like through increasing poverty by new laws and practicing different types of justice for the poor and the rich.

One belief that needs to be reexamined and changed: that girls'/women’s behavior prompts boys/men to violence.  If a male isn’t able to succeed whether by income, sexual prowess, vocationally, or socially, females are often blamed and accused, then targeted with violence. This is horrifying. We are grounded in a violent history: when the first settlers came to America, they moved and slaughtered our native people, displaying the greed that lives on today. Some of us take what we can get no matter that human beings or the earth suffer. This pattern is a circle. Violence begets anger, rage and despair which begets more violence.

Even though an antidote to violence may be compassion and love, all the love in the world will not completely stop violence.  Faith alone cannot stop violence.  We are a country full of bullies, angry, fearful, anxious and depressed people.  We need to deal with these feelings that so many share. Only if we work together will we have any chance of creating the space for a positive change in our current beliefs and in our systems.