Working with Divorce (for psychotherapists)

How do we help struggling couples work through one of the worst times of their lives?  With great care. We listen not only to our psychotherapy clients about this terrible time of life but to divorcing family members, friends, and colleagues.

You have probably seen MTCA ads in NPI Reflects. The Middle Tennessee Collaborative Alliance (MTCA) group here in town offers couples a creative and different way to divorce. Some of us NPI members have been trained as Collaborative Divorce Coaches and we offer you our expertise if you are working with clients who are thinking about divorce. 

Before I became a MTCA member, I sometimes felt helpless when my individual clients and couples needed information about divorcing. I could certainly help them make some decisions about whether or not to divorce and about parenting issues, but, what often happened when my clients hired attorneys, was that I felt like I lost control or power to influence my clients’ divorce experiences or outcomes.

Not that we therapists need to be in control of our clients’ divorces but after investing much time and energy in our work with clients, we have sometimes felt like we were turning them over to an adversarial justice system without being able to assist them effectively during the process.  We often watched in horror as some of our couples experienced high hostility and severe conflict even when they may have wanted to divorce amicably, stay friends, or at least continue to coparent their children well.

In 2009, several professionals, including psychotherapists and attorneys, came together to create MTCA.  Collaborative Divorce processes had been developed and used in the US and Canada for many years prior to that time, but Tennessee was just getting on board to help couples complete their divorces with as little animosity as possible.  Couples tell us that they want to make their own decisions about their divorces instead of leaving those decisions to the courts. We owe many thanks to the founders of MTCA which include NPI members David McMillan and Julia McAninch.  

Because we believe in excellent care for our clients during divorces, some other NPI members also trained to function as Collaborative Divorce Coaches, Tiffany Davis and myself being two of them.  We 4 NPI members want you to know that you can use us for consultation about your clients’ divorce discussions, and for referrals to attorneys, financial professionals and coaches.

During Collaborative Divorce, attorneys advocate for their individual clients so that your clients will have rigorous legal guidance and support.  Also, Coaches will not work with your clients as therapists during or after the divorce, so you need not fear you will lose your clients to us.  We want to work with therapists to achieve the best results possible for families and their futures.

The collaborative process is exciting because it uses a multidisciplinary team to help each couple develop an excellent marital dissolution agreement.  The beauty of Collaborative Divorce is that the couple maintains much control of the process and outcome of their divorce, not handing over the reins to aggressive, adversarial litigators.  We have learned though that Collaborative Divorce is not for everyone and it is most useful for those couples who are communally committed to the time and energy it takes to work together. Collaborative Divorce often takes less time than a litigated divorce and expenses are often much lower than the expense of litigation.

In Collaborative Divorce, the couple designs their own parenting plan with our professional teams, and the attorneys make sure that the plan fits with the legal requirements for divorce.  Collaborative Divorce Coaches act as emotional supports to the couple, not replacing therapists but as adjuncts, facilitating the collaborative process and team meetings, and making sure that the process does not become adversarial.

One more fact: Collaborative Divorce is not always easy and nice, although we would like that to happen. Sometimes, couples who have already been having difficulties communicating will continue to have trouble in the collaborative process.  But, with Coaches helping to understand their communication patterns, their histories and inner workings, we can facilitate the process effectively, helping couples learn to work together in new ways at times.  We try to help them move forward in their lives instead of staying stuck rehashing the past.

Feel free to use any of us Coaches or any of the other professionals on the MTCA website (mtcollab.com) if you have questions about MTCA, Collaborative Divorce, or the variety of ways couples can divorce.  After all, litigation and mediation are best suited to some couples and some MTCA attorneys also function as litigators and mediators. One size does not fit all but we try our best to match clients with the most appropriate process to ensure success.

Sexual Assault is alive and well in 2015

I was a college student in the 1970’s where some young men were aggressive, some sweet and kind, just like today. Women and men participated in drinking and drugging on campuses, and rape sometimes occurred.

Nowadays, with rape so common nationally and globally, we need to understand why men still abuse women. We can agree that some men choose to physically overpower and control women in all sorts of ways. This is not just about rape by strangers in dark alleys but rape in fancy educational settings, housing privileged kids where rape is an institutional hazard, a nightmare, and a disgrace.

Rape is also the buying, selling and renting of children’s and women’s bodies in a society that prizes and rewards economic greed and financial success. Sex trafficking is rampant with children being stolen to become commercial property, thereby becoming slaves.

In the 1970’s and 80’s here in Nashville, we young women marched in protest about issues like women’s equality and rape. These days sexual assault seems not to have decreased even while gender roles and acceptance of sexuality differences have evolved positively. Probably because rape is not about sex but about power.

What can we do about this continued tragic state of affairs? First, by admitting that a large portion of the problem is that we are nested in a society whose social norms allow for and promote the abuse of children, women, minorities and the poor.

Being hesitant to say “no” to male sexual or aggressive behavior may be partly due to some girls’ and women’s buying in to the patriarchal idea that sex is something that a woman “gives” to a man, something he can “take from” her, “stealing her virginity.” Even the phrases sound criminal, describing a power exchange. Children also are taught to obey adults, increasing their risk.

These days, I would think that men would be even more careful about getting consent to sex. Even if the perpetrators and/or victims of rape are drugged, drunk, or impaired, men need to be absolutely sure their partner is a willing, adult sexual partner.

Although women are now seen as more equal to men than in the past in some ways, sexual violence is slow to change. Domestic violence of all sorts continues and Pat Shea of the YWCA encourages men to help solve this problem.

We grow up being highly influenced by our media, advertisements, movies, and magazines, many which glorify girls’ and women’s bodies as commodities. To decease sexual violence, parents need to teach their children about respecting each other’s bodies and how to deal with conflict in a nonviolent manner, something they may know little about.

Perhaps if men felt better about themselves, they wouldn’t rape. But, this problem goes further than that on a macro level. This is about economics, buying and selling products and services. After all, making money is a large part of the American Dream. 

"A Change is Gonna Come," one way or another

How in the world did we Americans become a gun-toting nation? Because of fear about our safety, or because some have decided to take control of what little we can control? After all, for most Americans, the American Dream is not all that it’s cracked up to be.

Are all police really as belligerent and aggressive as some we have sometimes witness? No, some are highly compassionate and honest, but some individual police and police departments have severe issues. Prejudice and bias reign, and some police react too quickly in response to their fears - or quotas.

We have more depressed, anxious people in our nation than ever before, whether we have better systems of diagnosing and reporting, or whether it is true. The past 50 years of our American economy, the myths about freedom, democracy, and equality along with guns and mental health problems, have all created our current crisis.

We need more nurturing, beloved communities where people care about their neighbors and watch out for each other and their kids. The extended family has gone by the wayside with our continued high mobility, and many people are often lonely and stressed by financial, physical, emotional and spiritual issues. Excellent, new technologies may separate more than connect us.

The disappointment, disillusionment and rage that grows out of poverty, racial divides, economic insecurities, and fear about the future of the planet, all churn within us. We feel helpless so often that we sometimes develop compulsive behaviors and act out against each other and ourselves while trying to manage these enormous stresses. Many experience shame and harsh judgement.

This is a recipe for disaster. Some votes rarely make a difference given our antiquated, American electoral system. The rich run this oligarchy and elections go to those who follow the rules outlined by their benefactors, until they, too, realize they are no longer public servants but puppets, controlled by money. And,  we and our ancestors are all complicit in the way things are. 

Some cry out for a revolution.  What can we do to change the tide, to improve our health and create new, more effective ways of dealing with each other and our world?

Take the money out of politics. Develop gun/weapon regulations and enforce them for all people. Take care of the homeless, the elderly, the sick, the poor, and children, providing mental health services to all who need them. Deinstitutionalize our prisons full of people who have been violated by law enforcement and judicial sentencing. Rehabilitate people. Decrease the huge gap between the incomes of everyone. Bring hope that “ a change is gonna come (song by Sam Cooke)".  Easy to say and very hard to do.

I certainly don’t have all the answers about how to change each of these systems to create a better life for all people. But, I do know that if we band together and work toward some common goals, we have the power to make healthy changes, one person/system at a time. 

Occupy Gender Neutral Pronouns

The Basics

The University of Tennessee, Knoxville, Office for Diversity and Inclusion asked in a post that students, professors and the administration welcome all of the students to campus this year, including those who are gender non-conforming. They suggested that the college community ask students what name they would like to be called and what pronouns to use when they are addressed. Then, all hell broke loose.

What happened
The media got involved locally and nationally, the beginning of a perfect storm. Some thought the university was requiring the campus to speak in new ways, using unfamiliar terms to many on campus. All sorts of people, including newscasters, began sarcastic snickering and hostile joking about this request. These responses are not funny.

Chris Sanders, Executive Director of the Tennessee Equality Project (TEP) sent out a 9/1/2015 email with the subject line: Fight back! Family Action trying to get Legislature to stop UT-K's trans welcoming program. He added: “Now Family Action of Tennessee is urging its members to contact state legislators to get them to "neuter" UT's program. Offensive doesn't quite capture it!” Chris also suggested that we sign a “...petition to generate emails to the State Senate Education Committee and to the State House Education Administration and Planning Committee .... so that they know you want UT to make its own decisions about programming to make transgender and gender non-conforming people welcome!: The petition link: https://www.change.org/p/tennessee-senate- education-committee-provide-legislature-with-accurate-information-about-ut-k-s-gender- neutral-pronoun-program

Some state leaders began frothing at the mouth, outraged, sounding like one national radio host, Tom Starnes who wrote, “Across the fruited plain, institutions of higher education are turning their taxpayer-funded fiefdoms into gender neutral zones where free thought is outlawed,” in Back to School: Let the left-wing indoctrination begin (http:// www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/09/01/universities-are-becoming-gender-neutral- zones-where-free-thought-is-outlawed.html ). Mr. Starnes’ comments were inflammatory and inaccurate. UT-K’s request was in no way outlawing free thought.
In the 1970’s some women decided that they wanted to use the term “Ms.” instead of “Miss” or “Mrs.,” the latter two describing a woman’s relationship only to a man. Ms. magazine prompted our now common usage of this term but a similar backlash had also occurred. Some thought women were getting too uppity, they called out the feminists, labelling them extremists, femi-nazis, and even lesbians!

Why don’t most people line up to support the change in pronoun usage?

Using a variety of pronouns may be confusing at first. Some want simplicity, hate change, and wish for clear dualities: ie. man or woman, black or white. However, we are a melting pot of colors and there are unique mixtures of genders as well. Why can’t everyone welcome the transgender community with open arms, just like Jesus would do?

Most children go through a time of exploring their bodies, their identities, and their personalities. By not allowing children to freely explore, we are telling them both biologically and emotionally that it is not OK to be who they are. That there is something, in fact, wrong with them, that they need to be different. “Be like Mary or Joe, just don’t be you.”

Such shame, rejection, and distortion can make any child confused, angry, insecure, highly anxious, and/or depressed. Why would any parent or any society want to inflict that horror upon any child?

Those who rant against UT-K’s post separate people, preaching that there is a right and a wrong way to live, to be, to exist. Not acknowledging who a person really is, especially regarding gender or sexuality, can lead to trauma through violence, bullying, and possibly premature death. Why would anyone act so hostile and demeaning toward those they perceive as different?
First of all, some people are extremely insecure even if they display strong, macho characteristics. The most insecure people can be the loudest and the most rigid. They may also feel like their way of life (a rigid construct seeing life as black and white, not gray or brown) is being devalued by the “other,” threatening their very foundation, a strong, unmoving rock on which they depend for their very existence. If this foundation crumbles like sand, life can seem like a cascading, chaotic disaster over which they have no control. So, they yell and scream guarding their highly fragile egos.

If we challenge their rules, then we are asking them to examine everything that they believe to be true. No small matter. Thankfully, some will evolve away from their age-old opinions and open themselves up to discussion, maybe even changing their minds. But, many people gather their community members even closer together, circling the wagons, ready to fight and defend.

What happened next?
Top lawmakers in TN ramped up. Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey said that UT-K’s welcoming request was "the clearest example of political correctness run amok that I have seen in quite some time,” even though Margie Nichols, UT's vice chancellor for communications, explained that this was not a UT-K policy, just a recommendation (The Tennessean, http:// www.tennessean.com/story/news/education/2015/09/01/lawmaker-senate-should- investigate-ut-pronouns-post/71529306/)

After several days of state and national attention, UT-K decided to pull the post that began all this controversy: “In a letter to the Board of Trustees, UT system President Joe DiPietro said he was ‘deeply concerned about the attention this matter continues to receive and the harm it has had on the reputation of the University of
Tennessee.’” (http://www.tennessean.com/story/news/education/2015/09/04/ut- removes-web-post-gender-neutral-pronouns/71726984/) I am deeply concerned that the university has made this decision, evoking harm yet again to the LGBTQIA community.

This storm makes for a very difficult discussion about how to create a better society where all people are not only equal but treasured. It is a debate we will continue to have until a larger majority of people support this issue. Look what happened with marriage equality!

I agree with Marisa Richmond with the Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition who said: “Anytime we challenge our notions of conformity and we find ourselves accepting different forms of diversity, I think society benefits” (http://fox17.com/m/news/ features/top-stories/stories/UT-Encourages-Gender-Neutral-Pronouns---Eric- Alvarez-192212.shtml#.VeYJCXi0OXl). Instead, our whole society suffers. 

The Attack on Planned Parenthood

If you want to witness an angry U.S. Senator speak to Senate Republicans, listen to Elizabeth Warren’s recent speech about the possible defunding of Planned Parenthood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeilHs9kZ2g  In that video, you will hear some pretty strong words about how there has been a focused, long term attack on the rights of women by the extreme right wing in our country.

Senator Warren asks: Why are we fighting a battle that belongs in the 1950’s or the 1890’s?  She describes the many bills  throughout the nation, including Tennessee, designed to banish legal abortions by making them extremely hard to access. Most people, especially the poor and disadvantaged, may be thwarted from terminating a pregnancy thereby increasing welfare rolls, which also annoys these right wing zealots. One day, many marginalized people may not have access to the range of medical services that Planned Parenthood provides, services like cancer and STD screenings, treatment, and birth control.

Katha Pollitt, in How to Really Defend Planned Parenthood (New York Times, 8/05/2015), wrote that “The whole society benefits when motherhood is voluntary.”  She also reports that, “according to the Guttmacher Institute, nearly one in three women will have had at least one abortion by the time she reaches menopause.”  

Why don’t more prochoice people  speak out about their beliefs in the rights for all people to make medical decisions for themselves without governmental interference?  “Silence, fear, shame, stigma,” Ms. Pollitt answers. 

Senator Warren points out that 1 in 5 women have used Planned Parenthood at some time in their lives, and why: because their doors are open to all genders and income levels. I myself used Planned Parenthood as a young adult.

 The fact is that federal funds do not even fund abortions. Rather, they are earmarked for other medical services.

Why the continued attack on women in our nation and in Tennessee?

There are some leaders who fight this battle against women for political gain.  Some are acting out age old issues they have with women, beginning with their mothers. Some who preach and advocate for celibacy or abstinence are sometimes themselves adulterers. Some of these hypocrites have amassed vast political power.

Sometimes, people who protest so much about certain issues have some deep fear, rage, or conflict about the issue rooted in their lives. Trauma of any sort, even emotional trauma and neglect, occurring in a child’s early years, can lead to all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors, including protesting against an issue that relates intimately to the person who has been hurt.  Such abuse happens in many forms ranging from rigid church dogma to strict, fearful, stressed, and/or substance abusing parents.

I support the rights of all people to use excellent and comprehensive medical services.  If we defund Planned Parenthood, we are once again separating the rich from the poor, reinforcing income inequality where rich people can obtain such services but poverty-stricken people cannot.  Our current type of capitalistic society is directly linked to income inequality which abuses the poor and disadvantaged.

For now, we need to stop our Congress and our state from continuing to pass legislation that prohibits so many people from receiving excellent medical care at Planned Parenthood. Please talk with your legislators frequently and consistently about this issue.

An Angry White Woman on Why Black Lives Matter

Why is a middle age white woman writing about Black Lives Mattering? Because white people need to challenge other white people about racism in America. We also need to stand together with our brothers and sisters of all races, religions and value systems to create sweeping change across the country. The time to act is now.

We white people are a privileged group of people. We have never had to worry that a police officer might attack us or our children for little or no cause. We have not grown up as victims of bigotry and prejudice just because of our skin color. We have not had to live through a long history of slavery and injustice, and we are not even aware of our own privilege most of the time.

Write me off as an angry white woman. Or, call me a person who wants to increase fairness, civility, equal rights, and compassion for all people. We white people need to not only face our own internal racism, we need to talk with and educate each other about our racial values, and we need to change our society’s system of structural racism.

We now know some cities’ names only because of extreme violence against black people. Ferguson and Charleston come to mind. Think of the names of so many black lives that were recently and abruptly halted because of racism, violence and guns, some of them being children: Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Jordan Davis, Walter Scott, Michael Brown, Sandra Bland, Jonathan Sanders, and many more. All of these black lives mattered and they were killed unfairly and violently by white people.

Although there is still some controversy around the deaths of Sandra Brand and Jonathan Sanders, police violence happens so frequently, we white people can hardly imagine how African Americans feel about white people and about the United States of America. Doesn’t seem so united to me.

Our prisons and jails are so full of black lives, some incarcerated for not being able to pay bail for a traffic violation, or a petty crime. We imprison our poor and blacks, immigrants and people with minor drug offenses. Many of our correctional facilities are run by private corporations that make huge profits based on the amount of beds filled each day, incentivizing profit.

Let’s change the dialogue, let’s ask white people to take responsibility for changing our patriarchal, mostly white systems. This is no small task. We cannot change everyone’s minds or values, but we can speak out and influence our leaders, asking them to make changes that will improve black lives.

Black people have been oppressed, injured and killed in unspeakable ways throughout our nation’s history, and we are still wounding blacks today in prisons, in housing projects and in current educational systems. We white people are much of the reason that structural racism still occurs, and it is up to us to do something about it. 

Raising Unwanted Children

The Tennessean did a fine job describing what has changed regarding new abortion laws beginning on July 1, 2015, and described a lawsuit filed about the 2014 vote on Amendment 1 (see http://www.tennessean.com/story/news/politics/2015/07/04/abortion-rules-take-effect-amid-legal-battles/29640857/). 

The Yes on 1 campaign was victorious (53%) giving state legislators the right to decide about girls’ and women’s reproductive health, including birth control and abortions, instead of letting females make such decisions in consultation with their families, doctors and faith leaders. The lawsuit disagrees with how the vote was counted, and a judge last week agreed not to dismiss that suit.

Tennessee has enacted legislation that makes it almost impossible for some women to get good reproductive healthcare and/or abortions, and the fee for abortions has now almost doubled.  Now, we are not just discriminating against the poor but against rural Tennessee citizens who often travel to larger cities to receive excellent healthcare.

Some women now need to travel two days instead of one if they are seeking consultation about abortion and choose that route. Missing work adds stress and often loss of income. Those who voted Yes on 1 and those who didn’t vote at all have given our legislators the power to make such changes.

Some say, “Most women don’t really think about these matters or consult with others. They just get pregnant and decide quickly and easily about abortions.”  Think again.  Women do not take lightly the termination of a fetus.  Having practiced as a psychotherapist for over 25 years, I can tell you that women suffer greatly about making such decisions.

And, men? Are they clamoring to support unwanted babies?  Children may be born before parents have a high school education or the skills to raise a healthy child. 

Pregnancy can occur by accident, by sexual assault, and when using appropriate birth control. Think about adolescents and other women who cannot afford or take good care of a child. Think about the children. What a difficult way to come into this world.

It seems like the same people who dislike welfare numbers also want to ban abortions. Because of these new laws, there will be more babies whose mothers cannot afford abortions, who may need public assistance to help their unwanted children have the very basics, like food and shelter. They may not be as able to support their children’s emotional needs.

Add in the stress of parents working 2 - 3 jobs to make ends meet, and how families are negatively impacted by the absence of parental involvement and the effects of parental stress. Domestic violence increases.

Is this the kind of world we want to live in, one that helps babies be born with so many strikes against them?  I hope children can be born into healthier environments so that our state flourishes and becomes a better place for all people.