The Pandemic and Political Divisions: From Tragedy to a New Life

 During 2020, I have watched many people manifest amazing changes during this pandemic and extreme political division: transformation and rebirth; life with decreased anxiety, more calm, less stress. During the destruction and death of so many structures, some people have found new ways to live healthier lives.

Our species continually evolves, as we learn more about what works for us and what doesn't. Living through one of the worst years in U.S. history, we have found ourselves to be more capable, compassionate and caring about the community rather than just about ourselves. 

I see some goodness resulting from tragic divisions between families, between people of color and white people, between Democrats and Republicans.  Even while we live with the grief and loss of loved ones we couldn't visit in hospitals before their deaths, something wonderful is happening. We are changing.

Unlike my Marine pilot father in WWII and the Korean War, or those who have experienced slavery or incarceration, I view the last 4 years of Trump’s administration and this virus as both the worst times of my life, along with some of the best.

When so many parts of life have shut down, I witness people finding new ways to gather, online, by phone, and outdoors. More pets have been adopted. After much loneliness and lack of hugging, so many people have found new ways to nurture each other and their communities, decreasing danger and violence. Still, we have also observed the violence that continues between police and black and brown people, between neighbors and families, and between the haves and have nots.

People are searching for something that they can believe in and trust. We who survive are beginning life anew. We can learn to hold onto this newfound peacefulness and calm, instead of jumping rapidly back into the rat race. We have had to step back and evaluate our lives, and have found that some of what we do harms us more than helps us.

We can now explore and create different ways to handle our work, our communications, our gatherings, and decrease our own violence toward ourselves and each other.

Many of us grew up believing that we were not good enough and that we should always strive to do better, not appreciating what we can do.  As children we believed (because of our child brains) that what happened around us was connected directly to us, our feelings, behaviors, or thoughts. When bad things happened, we thought we were bad. Only as adults can we learn how damaging those beliefs have been for us.

This year, many people have lost their incomes, their homes, and their lives to this horrible disease during enormous political strife that continues today no matter who is president. When will we wake up from this stuck place, living like we always have?  When can we start becoming more creative and effective at living life? Let’s harness the energy that is usually spent on conflicts and direct it toward co-creating a new and better world. 

I Live in a Jungle

 I live in a jungle. I have lived here for most of my life, surrounded by the sounds of insects, amphibians, mammals, birds and trees, all moving, all generating sound, all singing or growling or speaking in languages I may not know.

I hear mating cries of passion and see gorgeous, brightly colored birds attempting to attract a partner. I hear warning cries when danger lurks, whether the weather is changing or a predator is actively hunting. I try to understand the calls and responses and I participate myself, trying to help others know when high risk is close.

Here I see a monkey, a peacock, a baboon, and a jaguar. Here I roam around not so much with fear and anxiety but I do stay alert for the sounds that accompany me wherever I travel. During my wanderings, I am ushered by animals, birds and even the trees which encompass me in the jungle, especially when I step away from my home.

The jungle looks different from the past, now with its millions of people, its cars and emissions, its noise, its air smoky, and foul-smelling, where we hardly have enough oxygen to breathe. The pandemic keeps people in their homes, apartments or on the street but they don’t see me as I move about. I can see them and some of the horrors they experience, the wacky ways they attempt to communicate with each other. I feel the desire of people who just want to be loved and become a part of something bigger or different than they have ever experienced, perhaps a community where everyone knows that they belong, where everyone is fed and the children are taken care of and educated, and where some people pray and some people don’t. A community where it is fine to feel whatever you feel, whether good or bad, angry or sad, troubled or joyful.

When there is a struggle, it is named and acknowledged, and support flows into the conflict if the two or three involved cannot repair the damage. We all sit and gaze into each other’s eyes and see the truth behind our facades and defenses. We accept our inner spirits and our beautiful souls along with how we have each made mistakes when we have harmed someone or something without ever intending to do so. And, sometimes we have intended to lash out and harm someone or something, even though we feel such guilt and shame about our actions afterwards.

Our jungle is a fertile ground for trying out new and different ways of thinking and living, as if I am not the only person in the universe that I think or care about. That I think about others, plant life, the climate and what I can do to help this jungle become a better world, an easier, more satisfying and healthy place for all people and all forms of life life even though some times get tough.

This is the jungle in Nashville, TN, where I live these days. Where do you live?

Radiating Resistance for Deep Healing

Why do we need to find ways to radiate resilience in our lives?

Trauma, neglect, abuse, stress, shocking events, or even just living in this chaotic world can affect us negatively in so many ways. We recognize that even good stress is still stress (like buying a home, or getting a new job), and we want to deal with any and all stress as effectively as we can. We want to develop tools to add resilience into our natural repertoire of behaviors, thoughts and feelings, so that we can navigate life well, meeting each moment with awareness, letting our resilience practices protect us and heal us.

The stresses can be related to any and all areas of our lives: the psychological, emotional, physical, mental, community/relational, and spiritual realms. When we are in crisis or  experiencing chronic or acute stresses of any sort, our resiliency tool kit can help us live with much less struggle, with much more Grace, and with more discernment about which of our struggles we can release or let go.

We have used resiliency tools all of our lives even if we don’t use that term. However, sometimes we get stuck in patterns of behavior that become repetitive and used so often that those same behaviors can begin causing us problems themselves. That’s why we want a variety of tools to choose from.

The Tree of Life Mystery School’s (TOLMS’s) first Liberation Retreat on 8/28/2020 offered us a chance to think about the ways we can prompt our resiliency behaviors to become even more healthy and healing. Here are 12 of my favorite ways to deal with life’s difficulties, whenever I feel overwhelmed or highly distressed. One of our goals is not only to manage stress but also to release bodily and emotional constrictions and tenseness:

1. Walk regularly or at least when times are hard, and/or practice any other type of exercise.
2. Hang out with, or pet a pet, which can create excellent de-stressing hormones, and be fun and calming at the same time.
3. Cuddle with my husband unless he is the one causing me stress!
4. Talk with a friend, a therapist, a coach, or a family member who is safe and non-judgmental, someone who listens well and doesn’t give too much advice, someone who can co-create a safe holding space.
5. Do yoga, breathwork, other breathing techniques, or relaxation exercises. Massages are magnificent when possible!
6. Lie down on the floor or bed and call upon my spirit guides to help me with whatever is going on. Starting with deep breaths, eyes closed, and meditating. Some people also pray or speak with the Divine.
7. Write, freely associating. When I write, I am able to hear myself better. Usually writing helps me not only release some of the tension but also understand at some point what is happening.
8. Watch movies or TV series that help me focus on something else for the moment, distracting myself for awhile.
9. Cry, scream, or wail in a safe place.
10. Go outdoors, listening to birds, looking at wildlife, the sky, trees and so many wonders of the world.
11. Take a Time Out. Withdraw and find a safe and comforting space to be alone - and be.
12. Shake. Part of grounding, clearing and creating protection around ourselves involves letting go of negative energies within us, or that we have absorbed or taken on. We let our bodies shake off as much of this negative energy as we can. Then, protect ourselves with a bubble of color as we move on.

Remember that every one is unique, so whatever works for me may not work for you. Challenge yourself to mix up your tools every now and then.

Please also stay present and in a state of wonder. Be curious about life. Forgiving myself for my mistakes and not judging myself harshly are some of my major tasks in life. What are yours?

Most of all, remember to breathe deeply, slowing down your breath, and listening….

Barbara Sanders, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, a writer, and an activist.  She is also a Catalyzing Crone within the elder group of TOLMS.

BarbaraSandersLCSW@gmail.com

DignityTherapyNashville.com

615.414.2553

Time for White People to Stand Up, Speak Out

The current scene: After 3 months of the COVID 19 pandemic in late May 2020, people having been locked away from each other, peaceful protesters who are angry, fearful, and distressed spill out into the streets, begging police to decrease their brutality. Those on the extremes throw bottles and rocks, starting fires in immigrant, African American-owned and other businesses, police precincts, and Nashville’s city hall. Some destruction and looting occurs. The police respond in some places with rubber bullets, tear gas and arrests. Other police join the protesters.

What is happening in our nation?

Throughout time, peaceful, nonviolent protesters have tried to change American systems that perpetuate injustice and inequality.  Change has not come quickly enough although some changes gradually occur. America and Americans perpetrate racism every day. How can we change this tragedy?

People are publicly grieving and are angry about the senseless numbers of black and brown men, women, and children being murdered by white police. Civilian white men armed with heavy artillery can storm and threaten government buildings without police intervention while at the same time, black people are being murdered while sleeping in their beds, walking, jogging, playing on playgrounds, doing nothing out of the ordinary much of the time.

Today, we are angry and mourning over the recent murder of George Floyd, an African American man murdered by white policemen. People observed and videotaped his last gasps, trying to breathe with a white policeman’s knee on his neck - a physical and symbolic image for how African Americans have been treated by white people for hundreds of years.

Some violent protesters seem to want to start a class war, a culture war, a civil war.  These white supremacists represent a vile part of America which seems to be increasing in numbers, reinforced by our president. This country was founded on genocide and racism with white people taking from, enslaving, and killing all sorts of people, creating rigid hierarchies of power still true today.

Is there any good news?

Not yet. Not until those who have not been heard get heard along with real action to change our systems.  Not yet. Not until our leaders and each American find ways to stem the blood falling all over our streets.  Not yet. Not until black and brown babies, children, adults, and immigrants get treated as if they are white, all people having inalienable rights and privileges for the first time in American history.  

It is time to stand up, speak out, and then change structural and systematic racism that has lasted so many hundreds of years. There is no quick fix but each American white person needs to figure out how we each contribute to this terrible tragedy.  Each of us is complicit and accountable, and we need to make necessary changes.

As Tim Wise, activist and antiracism speaker and writer says, “...when the law becomes lawless, there is no order, and so here we are.” Time for white people and current policing practices to change.

Transformation to Equality and Unity

How can we be truly equal if we are all so different in various ways: physically, emotionally, educationally; a myriad of races, cultures, genders, religions, spirituality, and more?

How can we be at one with other people with whom we may share some similarities but also find that some of our differences seem to set us widely apart?  If we are all really one, then to what level do we need to rise to find true human equality and sharing? To see each other in community and not only as separate individuals, fearful of each other?

I am quite positive that our history of patriarchy is partly responsible for so much violence in the world.  Maybe if women were in charge, the world would be more peaceful, much safer.  But, we may be moving into an era of not the opposite to patriarchy, meaning matriarchy, but into an era of androgyny, where both masculine and feminine energies intertwine along with all sorts of other energies that may not be defined in such black and white terms. No longer in binary opposition.

Perhaps one way to say this is that we are transforming from a dichotomous and dualistic culture to one that allows for more amalgamated, cooperative and collaborative ways of thinking, feeling and acting.  A culture where no one type (or any sort) is in charge but where we all play notes on the scale sometimes creating dissonance and at other times, lovely harmonies.

Giving up duality and rigid concreteness regarding our perceived informal rules of living and behaving is not an easy task for those of us who have become fully acculturated over time to the ways things are. We see young people thinking and acting very differently than we older people, and the generations often have trouble communicating.  But, what a blessing it can be.  How lovely to see a young person with a radical, new idea that we have never even considered!  Sometimes that freaks us out and sometimes we rejoice.

We have been defined by gender roles since we were babies.  We have attended educational systems that give grades for what is perceived to be good, average or bad performance. We work at jobs that give us salaries from large to small and everything in between. Our self esteem is often measured by such criteria or by how we look, how much we weigh, how able bodied we are, how privileged we are without having done much of anything to receive that privilege.  How impoverished we may be.  Most of what we see and hear on TV and in most mediums is hierarchical, where one at the top wins, and several or most at the bottom lose.

The American Dream is all about winning enough for ourselves and our families while many tend to suffer because there seems to be not enough to go around.  We are a culture whose values are too often based on deprivation and despondency about that perception.  Many feel hopeless and helpless when it comes to being able to change their circumstances in life, whether they are focusing on career success, love relationships, or on money and stuff.  And, maybe there really is enough to share if only we would shift our thinking and our actions a tiny bit.

When will we start acting as a community instead of as a solar system of one, myself first and foremost?  When will the common good be as good as the individual good, even though we see reality in unique and often conflictual ways?

The blending of races, religions, and cultures can all simmer together in a tasty gumbo, a stew of delight. But, we also bump up against each other in that bubbling mixture taking on each others’ tastes, textures and smells, not always liking the outcome.  Too hot, too spicy, or too bland and diffuse, not enough separate ingredients seen, or tasted? The vegetables no longer crisp but soggy, mushy. And, if you are so sweet, does that mean I must be sour?

Oh, the excitement of transformation when we fear the unknown, hoping that things can’t possibly get worse, when we know darn well that they can.  Why change anyway?  Better to stay with the old familiar chord, that same ole refrain that we have all memorized, deeply held in our bones.  Let's invite each of us to be more creative and play with all the notes of the scale, not focusing on only 2 or 3, which keeps us limited and trapped somehow.  Or, safe.  At least we know those notes very well and we can rely on them.

This is the way we do it.  We start by talking about the change, writing about it, singing about it and dancing to it, imagining the huge number of combinations that we can dream up, knowing that we have this life to live, these people to live with, and we hope not to have to kill off too many more people before we decide that we can truly accept and/or care about those who are not like us.

Are We Unifiers or Dividers?

It all started on Facebook where I frequently post political articles.  I sometimes give my opinions about these articles.  I have a favored candidate for the presidency which comes through in my Facebook posts.

One day recently a significant storm arose.  On Facebook.  My normally like-minded FB friends began arguing with me and with each other about my FB posts.  We older people hear about friends being ugly to each other on social media, particularly middle school kids, and we have heard about how some kids can be so cruel online.  Because I am a psychotherapist who attempts to help people live their healthiest lives, I believe in compassionate and non-violent communication even when people are their most distressed.

But even I waded into this storm of biting hostility on Facebook, acting in ways opposite to what I believe.

There are so many of us Americans who feel actual terror about this 2020 presidential election, who have been traumatized by the most dangerous president in history, Donald Trump. We have suffered for over 3 years now, observing his daily violence toward our democracy, our constitution, oppressed peoples, and the world. He contradicts the very heart of how this country was established: to get away from monarchs and dictatorial rule, to believe in a government of the people, by the people, for the people.

In our terrorized state, we have often spoken out about Trump and his criminal and idiotic antics and policies.  No regard for human life, caging children, his constant climate change ignorance, his abuse of women, his terrible trade deals, and more.  But, in the past few months now, we Democrats are turning against each other and acting often like we have with those on the other side. Neither of which is compassionate.

I began advocating on Facebook that Bloomberg should not be taken as a serious Democratic candidate for all sorts of reasons.  When a FB friend called me out for criticizing Bloomberg, accusing me of dividing Democrats, I was appalled at first, wondering how I can advocate for my favorite candidate without criticizing those others who have major flaws.

I keep up with the news frequently. I see divisions in our country and hear that we need a unifying presidential candidate.  I wonder what a pipe dream that may be.  One analyst reports that Obama was the great unifier when actually his presidency also prompted some rigid divisions in our country.  Another claims that one candidate is too aggressive, another not aggressive enough, and perhaps we should just let the billionaires wrestle with each other, while they buy our elections.

Everyone I know has been disappointed in life at some point.  Betrayals of many sorts haunt lots of people. This 2020 presidential race is bringing out the worst in our human nature, as we fight for liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And, don’t even get me started on all the Republican senators who continue to support Trump’s tyranny partly because of their fears of not getting re-elected. Thank goodness for Mitt Romney.

Where is our backbone? As long as we are fighting with each other across the aisle and now within our own aisle, how can we imagine any one person can unify us all?  This is a country with a great diversity of people, a wide range of colors, tones and voices, and an even more wide variety of thoughts, beliefs and opinions. 

How can each of us act as unifiers instead of being dividers ourselves, so that we truly listen to each other one by one, really hear what others are saying - instead of being so frightened that even we wear strong blinders hoping to avoid conflict while creating it instead?

Let's Not Fool Ourselves

Perhaps we have been fighting for justice inside a government that has been corrupt for years. Trump is no doubt the icing on the cake when it comes to lawlessness and abuse of power, but corruption was created long ago.

TV analysts fear that we are about to lose our democracy, our republic. Yes, we have. “Democracy” means “a system of government by the whole population or all the eligible members of a state, typically through elected representatives,” or so says my online dictionary. When people are not allowed to vote because of long lines and voter ID laws prevent the poorest from voting, we don’t have a democracy.

A “Republic” means “a state in which supreme power is held by the people and their elected representatives, and which has an elected or nominated president rather than a monarch.” Our masses don’t hold the power. Only a small subsection of them do.

We may get mesmerized by sound bites and fantastical propaganda depending on our favorite news outlets. Trump was elected by the few, and our current electoral college in its obsolescence allowed not only him but George Bush to become president, instead of the candidates who won the popular vote. Our leaders do not represent all of us.

Thank goodness Congress changed a little in 2018. But, we still have plenty of shouting, blistering Republicans who, when they cannot argue about content, scream about the process of impeachment, disagreeing with our current Constitution’s rules. Our president gets his feelings hurt and attacks people rapidly with his assaults, what a role model for our children.

I believe that our government is an oligarchy, “a small group of people having control of a country, organization, or institution.” Money talks and usually, the more money, the greater the vote. Look how the Democratic National Party supported Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders.
Where is fairness and justice? Where is representation of all people? Republicans kowtow to Trump because they want to be elected again and he blackballs disagreers. Some are anxious, alarmed leaders at best.

I implore all people to educate themselves about impeachment, about candidates, and about policies instead of believing the Republican missive that Democrats are doing nothing but fighting Trump in Congress. The Democrats in The House have actually sent hundreds of bills to the Senate while Mitch McConnell sits on them, trying to prove his claim that Democrats are lazy and do nothing.

Let’s not fool ourselves when we see lion’s clothing. Greed and power can corrupt even our best values. The populace votes against its best interests too often, hoping to trust and believe in powerful men who they hope will take care of them with their empty promises, electing the most aggressive among them.

We human beings get fooled far too often by glitz, glamor and guts. That has not worked well for us lately. Let us educate ourselves well during this next year to try to create a real democracy and republic. And, if you really want a dictator, please move to a country that offers such leaders.

Calling for a Revolution of Justice

One of our esteemed Congress members recently tweeted a quotation from Desmond Tutu: "If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor." Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez encourages us all to speak out, particularly when there is so much corruption, dysfunction and sickness in our nation.

The list of current horrors is immense. Our government as a whole supports: torture of children and adults, separation of families, growth of the huge businesses of sex trafficking and private prison corporations that offer big profits while people suffer -  just to name a few. Our President lies on average several times a day and Republican Congress members will not stand up to his poisonous talk and monstrous policies. Climate change is increasingly dangerous, and women are no longer allowed to be in charge of their bodies while trying to protect their current children from harm. 

Racism and violence are encouraged by our president’s use of language, his impulsive, child-like tweets continue to embarrass us all over the world. Many people are afraid to go out in public concerned that some (usually) white young man will spray them with bullets. No safety anymore with weapons of mass destruction at angry, young men’s fingertips. No illusion of safety, either.

We cannot go on this way. We cannot listen to the news on a daily basis because we hear and see so much horror that we lose our balance and our hope. A revolution needs to occur, so that we can begin to tackle so many of these very real tragedies.

People all over our nation, including you and me, continue living with this now chronic terror, this continuous battle of partisan politics and some people’s voting directly against their own needs and interests. Corporate money and foreign countries buy our elections and Jeffrey Epstein’s death suggests that even alleged criminals cannot be protected well enough so that justice is served.

In 2016 we elected as president a horrid example of a human being who is affecting us all by his powerful choices about policies and about those who work for him, including new supreme court justices and figures like William Barr, who acts in direct opposition to how his role is defined.  Barr is just a robot, carrying out Trump’s agenda instead of protecting the masses in this crazy upside down nation. And, no one stops him. How many more Trump employees need to be convicted before Trump is prohibited from more disastrous actions?

We can be complicit or we can work together to take action. If you have no idea about how to begin getting involved in a revolution of justice, please google any number of organizations that need your help. From immigrant rights to white supremacy to health care reform, there are current local, state and national groups trying to combat the criminal behaviors of our government and its people. Please help us. We need you all.

Calming Traffic, a public health and safety hazard

For the past 45 years, I have been amazed at Nashville’s growth. Some love it and some hate it. 

 

Having lived mostly in the Hillsboro/West End/Belmont area of town, I began walking daily with a group of friends 30 years ago. We walked every day except for two in a two year time span, dedicated to each other and enjoying the outdoors. I even married one of my fellow walkers. 

Fast forward to 2019, and although much has stayed the same, much has changed. Friends have come and gone, we have worked hard, and we have aged. Our neighborhood streets are now clogged with traffic, a public health and safety hazard. Recently, some of our former walking group members began walking regularly again. But this time, we risk danger every time we step out onto our street with cars whizzing past, no sidewalks, no bike lanes, no easy ways to make a change to slow down the traffic. 

We have contacted our Metro council member who says that traffic studies have been ordered and conducted during the past few years. We are attending neighborhood meetings so that we can empower ourselves and our elected officials to find and implement solutions. 

This is not just an elitist problem though, unique to our neighborhood. All over Nashville, residents are asking for more assistance, for more sidewalks, bike lanes, stop signs and traffic calmers to create more safety for all of its residents. It breaks my heart to see a mother struggling with her baby carriage walking on a 12 inch wide space on a busy street, risking her and her baby’s lives. I hope that another tragedy does not happen before some necessary changes are made. 

Even when driving, with all the construction and repair happening these days, it is hard to get to where we are going, never knowing which roads will have detours and which roads will be busy near the congested interstate system that fills up like a parking lot in the mornings and by 2 PM every weekday. How people get to work on time amazes me! 

It is time for Nashville to decide if its calling itself an “It” City is true. An “It” City would offer its residents ample spaces to walk, ride bikes and travel whether it is to and from work, or for recreation and tourism. Certainly an “It” City wants its residents healthy. We love our parks and neighborhood centers, but if people can’t get there without high personal risk, they will stay away. 

I do not want to just complain, but to activate and motivate other Nashville residents to consult with those in power, those who will listen to us and not let us get too caught up in bureaucratic red tape without successfully implementing prioritized decisions for our neighborhoods. Please contact your council member and arrange meetings and actions that will bring attention to your needs, Nashville!

What's Love Got to do with it?

I can hear Tina Turner singing, “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” after I watch the news, wondering why there is so much suffering in our world.  The answer is, of course, “Everything.”

If we don’t show love for our fellow human beings and for all living beings for that matter, what do we have?  We have our humanness and the parts of us that get us and the world into conflict: fighting, competition, greed, gluttony, I suppose all the major deadly sins.

We human beings have all sorts of feelings and thoughts which the iChing, sometimes refers to as “inferior.”  I don’t like that term because how we feel and think are just true. Not good or bad, feelings and thoughts are like the weather, coming and going.

We hope to control our actions, at least some of the time. Thoughts and feelings are results of our experience of life, experiences in life.

We human beings walk around this dying planet, having all sorts of experiences, feelings, and thoughts. We try to manage our actions toward peers, authorities and leaders, families and friends,“others,” who are different from us by race, culture, language, politics, and/or religions. Why do some people kill each other in mass shootings with easy-to-obtain weaponry? Why do leaders, like the president, act in rude and disgusting ways? Why do we people neglect and abuse each other, especially those unlike us, those who think differently from us?

These past two years have offered fabulous examples of the “inferior” nature of some of our actions. We divide ourselves into tribes and can hardly stand to talk to those others.  Collaboration, cooperation, and getting things done are second fiddle to winning.  If we don’t agree on our values and beliefs, I am not sure how we find effective methods that might give most of us what most of us want. And, take good care of others.

Many of us grew up as little babies and children in a world that is full of trauma. How we react to trauma is influenced by our personalities, our biologies, and our circumstances, or environment. How our parents, schools, siblings and others have treated us, and we them.  How fairness has played a part in our lives, or not.  How love has been expressed so that when children want to believe their parents love them, how can they understand the torturous actions many parents display through tone of voice, by physical actions and/0r emotional, verbal abuse or neglect?

If we truly love each other, up close and from far away, let’s come together and share without battling.  Let’s negotiate with each other and work toward healthy, productive plans.

Without love, we are nothing. We need to learn how to treat each other with respect, dignity and love even when we disagree.  How? One person at a time.  It all begins with me and with you.

Cohousing Communities Make Good Sense!

At Germantown Commons, a cohousing community in Nashville, Tennessee, our mission statement is bold: “Our whole is greater than the sum of our parts. We actively embrace community, plan for sustainability, value diversity, and nurture creativity in a welcoming urban environment… Although we know we cannot change the world, we can shape part of it, creating a healthy sense of community.”

These days, everyone witnesses the suffering of people around us. Some experience depression, anxiety, and isolation, along with the current, critical divisions between people as if we are family clans like the Hatfields and McCoys, feuding over everything.

In the era of Trump’s administration, people are often led by fear of the “other,” fear of financial collapse or nuclear proliferation, so many fears.  Being lonely and fearful are experiences that cohousing communities address directly.

Cohousing communities can look like people living together in extended families or small towns, but in our mobile society, so often, children move away to jobs and live far away from their families of origin.  Many have given up the goodness of living in community.

Cohousing communities have developed over many years and Germantown Commons is the first cohousing community in Tennessee, now 3 years old.  All ages of people and families flock to this type of living hoping to create a better way to experience life.

The benefits include enjoying ourselves while developing deep friendships and having people closely available if one is sick or isolated.  At Germantown Commons we privately own our condos and we share a large Common House where we gather often for meals, trainings, meditation, business meetings, and fun activities.  Each condo has its own kitchen and laundry area as well as privacy which we also enjoy.

We benefit also from sharing our lives with all sorts of people, those we may have never known without this community.  

We work together to enhance the physical, financial and emotional parts of our lives, making many of our decisions by committees and consensus.  We reap pleasure from downsizing so that we don’t have to own every piece of kitchen or lawn equipment that we may need.

Disadvantages?  Certainly, there are some.  Like living closely together with people whose lifestyles are different from our own, some who may hold strong beliefs different from ours, or behaviors that may irritate us.  Cohousing is like a microcosm of our world and we work together closely, trying to help each other improve our lives and deal with any conflicts that arise, hoping to generate compassion for differentness and learn from each other along the way.

Like in our nation, living in cohousing is not for those who only want to relax and take it easy in life, circling the wagons, keeping to themselves. Our participation in community takes some time, energy, and caring intentions, as we build a better world around us, by working with what we have - which is each other.

Why Cohousing?

Why would anyone choose to live in a cohousing community?  After all, living so close to people can be challenging. I have close friends who think my husband and I are a bit whacked that we moved into Germantown Commons 3 years ago.  Why would we (or you) do that?

We might all agree with the impressiveness of a multigenerational community that believes in sustainable living, composting, compassionate communication, diversity of all sorts, social justice, and caring about one another.  But, when you consider living in a cohousing community, there is more to life than just these wonderful values.  In fact, some of what brings us together can also pull us apart at times.

Many of us grew up in families, even good ones like mine.  And, perhaps that helped me imagine what a cohousing community is like.  But, not really.  In a modern American family, parents or guardians make most of the decisions for the family, even though they may seek input from the children.  Not so in cohousing.  Therefore, what our experience has taught us may not appear to be that useful when making consensus decisions with our peers, other community members that have as much a stake in decisions as we do. No more hierarchy, more equality.  After all, we each buy our own condos, participate in the work of the community, and we spend much time and energy helping make our policies and procedures as streamlined and effective as possible.

But, you might say that there are always personality conflicts in every group.  Exactly! Conflict does occur along with shared responsibilities, fun and enjoyment of ourselves and one another.  

So, if you like living in your private space, your own home with your own property, cohousing may not be for you. I, myself, loved living in several of my family’s private homes with our fenced in backyards for the dogs. I liked the amount of space we had where our 3 member family could stretch out and enjoy privacy and togetherness without too much hassle.

However, when we think about cooperative living and actually embark on the cohousing path, there are lots of variables to consider. Yes, it is great that we don’t have to own our own lawn mowers or every kind of cookware necessary.  It is wonderful when we are cooking that we have 25 other homes nearby where we can ask for eggs or spices to complete our meals.  We enjoy a 2600 square foot Common House which we co-own, where we can cook with each other and enjoy meals and parties together - when we choose to do so. Respecting each other’s privacy is extremely important and we try not to make up stories about people who seem standoffish or too domineering.

We all enjoy our separate lives, but we no longer have to drive across town to have coffee or a drink with a friend. We meet each other’s families and get to know best those people we enjoy the most.  At times, community business meetings can be a bit stressful, but I think of cohousing living like this: it is similar to getting involved in an intimate relationship, which hopefully contains some joy and excitement as well as comfort - and sometimes conflict, which we attempt to work through.

How lovely it is to walk my dog every morning and see a couple of neighbors outdoors when I open my courtyard door!  Seeing a smile, getting a hug, or even a brush off at times, works for me.  If I want more privacy, I leave by another door where there are fewer eyes and neighbors.

Why live in cohousing? Because we want to. Because we want to challenge ourselves, to grow more healthy and find ways to live together in community with some unlike ourselves, to learn how to be compassionate even when someone’s behavior is annoying. To get to know people on a deeper level than I ever got to know any of my past neighbors over many years. To have people around if I am sick, upset or just plain ole lonely, and to learn about people from other types of backgrounds than my own, finding them fascinating and often loveable.

If you are like me and interested in cohousing, I advise you to do what my husband and I did even though our process took a long time. When Germantown Commons was forming, designing, financing, and building this lovely community, we often joke that we “flirted” with this community for a year. The next year, we “dated” them, getting to know some of them better, participating in potlucks and meetings. And, then the third year, we “married” them. 

I sometimes wonder if we will grow old in this community, and like with any relationship, I have learned more about myself than I sometimes care to know. My weaknesses and strengths are more apparent than ever before.  But, if not growing and developing, what is there to life? You will have to answer that question for yourself!

No attempt, a poem, May 20, 2018

No attempt was made to save her life.

Everyone knew he was troubled.
Wearing a trench coat for a year
Hiding his shame before his guns,
His self-loathing and rage after being
Bullied, beaten up far too often.

She had befriended him, trying
To be an open, caring person,
Until he misread her signals and cues.
She had broken his heart without
Even knowing it.

Until he shot her dead inside the school.

There she learned all there is to know
About life and death, love and sacrifice.
He on the other hand didn’t have the courage
To kill himself after murdering so many others.
No courage at all to turn the gun on himself.

No one tried to stop him, they all thought
It was just a fire drill, staying glued to their phones
As they wandered outside the school building
Only to learn later of the havoc, the horror
10 people dead, 10 wounded.

It is time to talk about guns. It has been time for so long.

How many more children, how many people need to die
Before we say,

STOP.

We will not allow our children
To go to school scared that the next shooter will be
One of them, when that kid has just had enough
And goes out with a bang and no whimper.

When will we protect the children,
Who are slain so damn often, cut off at the knees
Before they have a chance to live?
Who will stop the shooters if we don’t do something
Really drastic to keep guns out of these shooters’ hands?

No real attempt has been made to save any of their lives.

Loneliness: a need for Connection and Community

Loneliness can be deadly. Loneliness is a looming problem in our highly technological American society. If people don’t die from loneliness, they sometimes appear to walking around dead inside, or silently starving for connection and community. Sometimes, lonely people hurt others.

Loneliness has probably been around for as long as people have but it may be getting worse, more prevalent and more pervasive.

Why does loneliness occur? For as many reasons as there are people. Some suffer from traumatic backgrounds, families sometimes acting more dysfunctional than a Gothic horror movie. As a psychotherapist, I see many lonely people even from good families, some who suffer with anxiety and depression, crippling them at times. The stigma of mental illness often keeps people at home, unable or unwilling to attempt to deal with their distress.  But worse is the lack of available and affordable services, making getting help nearly impossible for some.

What are the answers to solving the loneliness crisis in our nation? Not only funding expert mental health services for all people in our society but even when services are found, loneliness is not just an individual problem with an individual solution.  It is a problem with connection and community as well.

I propose that all healthcare providers not only screen their patients for cancer, STI’s and other medical issues, but screen them also for anxiety, depression, PTSD, and loneliness. Health care systems need to help patients find access to services instead of just starting them on psychiatric medications without offering or recommending counseling, 12 step programs, or psychotherapy as options as well.  Although many health care providers strongly support counseling for their patients, oftentimes follow through is difficult.

Many other problems in our country and around the world can be better managed when people have access to counseling for individuals, couples, families and organizations. Excellent counseling targets a wealth of problems like obesity, alcohol and drug dependence, gambling, compulsive porn behaviors, violence, and how badly some people treat each other. Issues like sexism, genderism, ageism, racism, and religious bias are rampant.

People are not flocking to churches these days and many human needs are not being met in our mobile world where nuclear families are geographically and emotionally distant from their extended families, long term friends and often from financial security. We Americans have many needs for connecting with each other and within ourselves in all sorts of ways, including spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually, vocationally, and more.  The time to work on this problem is now and we are the ones to do it.

Please reach out to anyone you know who seems alone, lonely, or distressed and help them explore possible services available to them. Let’s also create more affordable and available services so that we can support human, family and community growth, becoming a society full of connected, committed and healthy individuals working together to create more peace and harmony in our world.

And Then There Were Guns

Weapons, tools to hurt each other, have probably been around since human life began. As have other issues like poverty, mental illness and addiction. However, now people can so easily buy weapons of mass destruction, that too often criminals, men and even children sometimes mow down large numbers of people in a rapid fire moment.

How do we deal with our need to keep guns out of the hands of anyone who misuses them? Even when Americans try to develop regulations and controls about weapon sales, they have not been good enough so far.

There is no possible way to accurately screen anyone’s potential for acting violently even though criminal history may be one indicator. People shoot weapons at other people in times of crisis, especially when heightened financial, mental health, and romantic stressors occur. S0me follow extremist groups that urge its members to use violent force in the name of some political or religious ideology. Some also use weapons to kill themselves in a moment of impulsive and/or planned actions of despair, anger or pain.

How do we decrease mass shootings?  One solution is to end the sale of guns except for military and law enforcement personnel.

This would be a drastic change and some will think we are taking away their rights. The financial impact of such a change might resemble how the economy would suffer if we banned pornography, another money making and dangerous but acceptable American business. 

Americans are slow to change any of our culturally acceptable norms like the current state of our electoral process, neocapitalism, and plutocracy.  To change any of these systems of belief and behavior is highly complex and complicated and takes much work over many years if most Americans and their leaders, in fact, support such changes.

American racism, classism, and inhumane beliefs and practices about how we treat women and LGBTQ populations have changed a little over time, but not enough to provide us all with rights like life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, the rights to be who we are and to love whom we love. All of these ideologies must continue to change.

I fear that we cannot significantly decrease our large numbers of injuries and deaths without the removal of guns from most of our population.

Let’s explore how Australia has gotten rid of their weapons even though controversy exists about whether their gun violence has decreased.  We also need to elect leaders who are not highly influenced by corporations and the wealthy but who will represent all voters. We need to challenge our own opinions, beliefs and attitudes about the need for guns for protection and/or sport.

Perhaps those who love guns can instead develop their bow and arrow skills. Let’s get rid of these weapons before any more children and families suffer future accidental and mass shootings.

Corruption, Scandal, Lies and Sexual Harassment: Change begins with me and you

We as the United States of America harbor secrets much like any culture, society or family.  One secret is based on the fact that we need governance and need to govern ourselves effectively, and instead, we have created a system rife with corruption, scandal, lies and sexual harassment.

Living in a patriarchy, so rigid in its formal and informal rules, we all suffer.  When women gained the right to vote as an evolutionary step, when birth control became more available, and when women became tired of being pigeon-holed into only being mothers, home-managers, and supporters to husbands and the like, the times, they began a’changin’.  More women started working outside of the home, women planned their families, women fought for equal rights and equal pay, and now women are standing up, as do oppressed minorities, saying: “We won’t take this anymore.”

The United States elected a highly complicated and suspect person to be president in 2016.  An entertainer, narcissist (and possibly sociopath), sexual abuser of women, corrupt businessman who broke contracts and deals, a man illustrative of everything wrong in human beings: a gloater, an erratic child-like adult, a man who says “if you don’t play my way, I will call you names and try to destroy you,” a man who can walk up to a woman, grab her crotch and kiss her without asking just because he wants to and can, and more.  Such a man is not fit to be president but he garnered support from all the other men AND women who believed that he would help them.  A master of disguise, deceit, and broken promises, seen so clearly every day in his absurd actions.

Today, some decent, competent, highly intelligent and might I say “good” men are falling by the wayside (at least briefly), as we women tell them that they cannot hold such power when their shadows, their dark sides include acting like this president, when they threaten, cajole and force women to service them sexually so that women can get and keep their jobs.  Even with these so-called “good” and effective men, we say STOP. Along with those men who don’t seem to have such power, but who try to act strong and controlling by abusing women, minorities, animals, anyone or anything seeming to be lesser or weaker than they.

Corruption, lies, sexual harassment and scandal have gone on as long as there have been people on earth.  Perhaps longer.  How can we change this continual human behavior that oppresses, humiliates, embarrasses and abuses people less fortunate than we; less powerful, less rich, less important that we?  Yes, we all participate in such behaviors. I am speaking not just about how men treat women, but about how each of us treats others, like immigrants, the poor, and those who have different beliefs or skin colors other than mostly white.  How can we change these age old ways of being, feeling and acting?

Some people walk into churches, synagogues, mosques and other religious institutions on holy days only to walk out of these same buildings acting in ways that hurt others, that demean, devalue and debase others, somehow finding it fitting to act in such ways. Sometimes not knowing how their actions affect others in such painful ways.  Most religions preach about love, harmony and peace.  I imagine that the very design of human beings creates our continually acting in such ugly, hostile ways at times while we attempt to pray or meditate on the good hoping for change. Maybe this is just a design flaw, but if so, what can we do about it?

Who am I to judge?  Well, I sometimes do.  And, so do you.  We all judge and evaluate each other, and ourselves at times, whether we are conscious of it or not. We often do not help the poor, we do not stop racism, we do not create a better world where more people can live in peaceful states of harmony and compassion, fed and sheltered.  After all, we each have limitations as to what and how much we can do. 

At times, we compete, we curse, fight or pout when we don’t get our way, we step on or over others to make ourselves feel better because we all feel too often not good enough, not smart enough, or not pretty/handsome/competent/effective enough. We are constantly comparing and contrasting, feeling better then worse, high then low, confused and distressed.  We seek for power over our own lives, we seek to meet our and maybe our family’s needs, but can we meet those needs without hurting others?  Too often, we fall short.

Each of us lies sometimes.  Those who claim to never lie frighten me, their being so out of touch with reality.  My hope is that we can decrease our condemnation of others when they are just different from us.  But, when a man who is so corrupt, hateful, childish, probably mentally ill, and perhaps demented, gains power over our whole country, we all need to stand up and say STOP.  We will not stand for this.  We will not let you and your supporters set us back hundreds of years, change the very bedrocks of our nation. We will not let you prompt nuclear war by your silly, infantile antics, your tweeting on a telephone while sitting on your golden toilet, your throne.

Am I angry?  Yes, I am angry and fearful and not sure what to do to make healthy changes. And why don't I show more compassion for Trump?  Because he endangers us all.

What I do know that I can only make changes in myself.  How can I act in more just, honest and compassionate ways?  How can I not stoop so low seeking to sustain my own privilege without thinking about those who are so much worse off? Do I give all I have away and live on the streets? Do I walk in protests, practice nonviolent resistance, and work with others to participate in momentous actions and movements that may or may not help make the needed changes?

How can we change the ways things are, protect ourselves and others, and create a surge of energy, enthusiasm and support so that we can all carry the banner and do something instead of staying silent, nesting in our own spaces with our own people, either too despondent or too frightened to take a step toward increasing the health and well-being of all people? 

Please come along with me, organize and join ongoing groups and coalitions that are fighting for justice in nonviolent ways.  Fund those organizations that seem to be the most effective in carrying out excellent, humanistic missions and goals. Walk the streets, talk with others, get to know those unlike yourself, put yourself in uncomfortable situations trying to understand those who are different.

And, then, let’s try to work through our conflicts, moment by moment, and pay close attention to this difficult process of change which can take a lengthy amount of time, over a long period of time, in order to promote the common good, blessing us all.

"Me, Too? Time for Change"

I am glad that the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment charges have stirred up this nation and the planet. Men with power assaulting women has been such a normal way of life, a shock may help us create a cultural change, a shift from tolerating to criminalizing this closeted behavior.

The new allegations that Weinstein hired Israeli private intelligence investigators, like Black Cube, to intimidate and to get dirt on some of this victims is not only appalling but clearly illustrates the gravity of his crimes, exemplifying extraordinary behavior.

I have often heard, “Boys will be boys,” while living in a society where this type of “power over” others happens far too frequently.

The ”Me, Too” Movement has prompted most women to review their lives for such assaults, some memories being very clear and some not so much.  Trauma affects our brains, spirits, and bodies in interesting and painful ways whether a man “just” puts his tongue in an unwilling mouth or conducts a violent rape.  Trauma is trauma.

Many men may be feeling nervous and worried, asking themselves if the whistle may be blown on them.  Even worse are men who won’t even imagine that they could be identified as a sexual assailant.  They tell themselves that a relationship was consensual or that because they married their secretary or nurse, there was no offense. Isn’t it OK to touch an employee’s body without asking, imagining she wants it?

In 1976, I was a 5’ tall, 24 yr old small woman, he a 6’ tall, 45 yr old large man, a graduate school professor at a well-respected university with a scholarship available.  Having worked with him before and because some professionals I trusted seemed to hold him in high esteem, I inquired about the scholarship. We decided to dine at the Gerst House but met at his Green Hills apartment.  After serving bourbon on the rocks, he kissed me. Big tongue, big man.  I suggested we move toward supper while he pouted but agreed.  Needless to say, I didn’t get the scholarship.  The good news is that I had said “no” indirectly, and he didn’t push too hard.

I am not sure what helped me say “no” to him and to a few other powerful men in my life. Not being desperate for the scholarship and having supportive parents both helped.  I didn’t have to compromise my values or my body because I am privileged in many ways and he was smart enough not to overpower me.

Are these men just little boys begging their mothers to praise and adore them, displaying their extreme neediness and insecurities? Are these men so frail and feel so badly about themselves that they need extreme adoration and worship, asking women to pleasure them physically because they are desperate for illustrations of their power? Where is the line between crime and consent?  Don’t we women learn early and well to submit or to please to get what some of what we want?

Some men’s methods for building self esteem are disgusting, deplorable, and deceitful, manipulating if they have power over their prey.  Women often suffer even when some women are attracted to men in power.  But, that's another story.

Why do these predatory, powerful men continue to assault and sexually harass women?  Because they can.  Because they can also afford to settle complaints out of court and keep women quiet.

I ask women and men to change this pattern, knowing it will take time and much effort because in our lifetimes, unfortunately, it has always been this way.

A Letter to Mayor Barry, Metro Council and Nashville citizens

Dear Mayor Barry, Metro Council Members and Nashville citizens,

Did you know that NOAH (Nashville Organized for Action and Hope) and Community Oversight Now have been working together on creating a Community Oversight Board (COB)?

Did you know that most other major U.S. cities have such boards?

Do you know what a Community Oversight Board is and why we need one?

Some history: The Metro Nashville Police Department (MNPD) has an internal investigatory group that explores citizen complaints, the Office of Professional Accountability, which rules against citizens over 98% of the time.  Many Nashvillians don't file complaints because they fear police power and possible harsh repercussions.

Only recently has the MNPD discarded training textbooks recommending aggressive action against citizens, especially those of color.  A report, “Driving While Black,” found that blacks are disproportionately targeted for police stops and searches.

An external group needs to police our police so that we don’t end up like cities who experience extreme violence following controversial police killings. Our Board will not end crime but if police are trained to handle citizens more fairly and decently, then less criminal activity may occur. When people don’t trust the police, they sometimes act out in violence.

This proposed Community Oversight Board (COB) calls for a new Metro agency governed by a community-representative board, staffed with professionals. The COB will investigate community allegations of police misconduct and conduct policy review for Davidson County’s Criminal Justice system. 



Most professions have an oversight board. Restaurants, health care providers, and even barbers have licensing boards that regulate and investigate allegations of unhealthy food or abuse, protecting the public.

When other major cities have created well-funded boards like COB, excellent results occur.  The Department of Justice after reviewing Nashville’s systems and a recent Grand Jury have both recommended a citizen’s advisory board so that police actions are better investigated.

Martin Luther King, Jr. recommended community oversight in the 1960’s. Nashville rose up in horror after Jocques Clemmons was killed by a police officer in Nashville on February 10, 2017. A 20-page report from the MNPD justified the officer’s behavior and no charges were filed. Many friends, teachers and family members have publicly shared their grief about this young man’s unnecessary death. Thankfully, protests have been nonviolent.

 

If a COB is created, neutral community citizens and staff will investigate and make recommendations about allegations of police brutality.  Mr. Clemmons might still be alive today if officers had more incentive to monitor their behaviors, if not for the common good then because they may be tried and convicted of crimes.  Police should not be given carte blanche to hurt our citizens.

Mayor Barry and Metro Council members, please pass this proposal to create better trust  in our police officers so they can better perform public safety duties and not prompt such fear and distrust. Help the MNPD treat all community members more fairly and justly.

A Fairy Tale of Hope and Justice

Once upon a time, there lived two children named Hansel and Gretel who had endured much stress and trauma: abandonment, a witch, a sugary house, an oven, fearing for their grim lives. Starving and homeless, they ran into the wrong kind of person who lied to them and tried to destroy them.

Hansel and Gretel grew up stronger because of these tragedies but not without lingering PTSD symptoms. They got jobs, married nice partners and had children. For awhile, life seemed peaceful, fun and satisfying.

Then in 2016, a darkening cloud descended upon the land. An eclipse of the worst sort. Hobgoblins and villains lurked everywhere and a new leader was elected to rule.

How did a werewolf get elected, a monster who gobbled up little children and old people?  Even the bravest in the land would not stand up to this werewolf, fearing that he would destroy their lives by his sinister sickness.  There’s no dealing rationally with a werewolf.

The behemoth sprouted ugly, orange hair and became well known for tweeting like a tiny bird, spewing out his venom upon anyone or anything that he couldn’t control. This beast wanted to be a king, or god, someone who ruled the seas, the air, the health care system and the whole planet.

Fire and brimstone, floods, locusts, disease and death rained upon the earth with no place to hide or escape. 

Until one day, Hansel texted Gretel and told her to meet him at Jeni’s Ice Cream store.  There, Hansel and Gretel created a plan about how to save the world from this crazy, treacherous evildoer, a strategy to rob him of his power.  Even knowing they must risk their lives to save all of humanity, they kissed their partners and children goodbye, and entered the dark, scary woods, full of the KKK, white supremacists and armed neo-Nazis.

Somehow protected by a heavenly veil, they witnessed a light beaming down. Kneeling, they gazed upwards and uttered these words in perfect harmony (remembering that prayers leave no fingerprints):  “Divine Goddess, we beg you for help.  We are nonviolent and we hope you can save us from this werewolf, freeing us all to be become even more peaceful and harmonious than we have ever experienced. We beseech you to end our misery and pain. Protect the children, the elderly, the hungry, sick and poor. Transform Trump so he can do no more harm.  And, then, put a woman of color in charge of this land, one who is smart, trustworthy and kind, made in your image, oh Goddess.  We promise we will work hard to help her and we hope to become more compassionate with all people. Amen.”

The Goddess replied, “A piece of (chocolate) cake!” Then came a blast from the heavens as the almighty One turned Trump back into the toad that he had always been. And everyone lived happily ever after. Even Trump. 


The End