Dreams: They can haunt us or help us

 I awoke this morning, having dreamt about competition with a woman for a man. High drama, lusty and frightening. I screamed at this vicious woman while she tried to take my man. He claimed he was mine forever, that she was just a harpy, not to worry. At the end of the dream, she was dead.

After awaking, I was partly horrified and partly stunned. Why did I dream such a dream? I can interpret this dream in numerous ways. Maybe I was fighting against the loss of a loved one, scared he would be taken away by some strange, angry woman. Perhaps I was feeling insecure and needed my man to play the hero, slay the dragon, that Medusa whose head writhed with snakes. Maybe I wanted to kill her, a Hunger Games type of theme: it's either you or me and one of us has to go. We can't both share him and live. Or, perhaps it was a part of me struggling with myself.

I can view the dream as having to do with my family of origin where my sister and I competed for our parents' attention and love. Or, this could be a classic Oedipal or Electra dream, and I am competing with my mother for my father's love. Or, I may have been competing with my father for my mother's love, who knows? What does this dream mean? All of the above, none of the above, and probably more.

Dreams are like snowflakes or fingerprints, each unique but with themes, threads that weave a tapestry over time about our unconscious lives. Dreams can be mirrors of our humanness, or windows into our souls.

 

What do you dream about? Being chased, or being naked in front of a class where you are supposed to lead, teach or entertain? My favorite dreams are about my stretching out my arms and flying free, or being pregnant.

Dreams may be metaphorical stories like intriguing fiction or wise tomes. We may speak to and listen to our gods while we dream, or we may sort out anecdotal events of the day. Some think that dreams are just neurons firing in our brains, chemical reactions with no real meanings.

I tend to view dreams as messages to our conscious minds from deep within.They may also have a transpersonal element to them, the divine speaking through code. I engaged in a battle to the death last night in my dream. What an archetypal journey, filled with desire, with fear, loss and sacrifice.

Exploration, awareness and understanding are keys to the mysteries of our dreams. Play with your dreams, talk to them, wonder about them. Associate freely to the images and put yourself in each part of the dream, imagining a part of yourself in each character, each place and action. What are your dreams telling you? Are they only haunting you or can they help you while you reflect on the present, the past and the future?

Is this another Civil War or Civil Rights Movement?

Is our country participating in another Civil War, or another Civil Rights Movement?

The media uses words like hijack, hostage-taking, ransom and standing down. These terrorist-type, war-like words reflect what Americans have been doing to each other lately: fighting over values, over racial and class issues, over right and wrong. Some say we have not been this polarized since the Civil War.

The government shutdown is reminiscent of the Civil Rights Movement and before, when the Ku Klux Klan acted like vigilante warriors, out for blood, seeking to silence any voices that differed from theirs. The Klan performed all sorts of horrific acts of violence. Maybe more metaphorical, the government shutdown has also been highly expensive, risky, and dangerous.

Picture the Tea Party as the KKK. We beg them to be empathetic about the needs of the poor and the oppressed, but their ears are clogged with hate and fear-filled rhetoric, and they are unable or unwilling to discuss the issues. The Civil War was connected to slavery like our current times contain actions like Stop and Frisk and massive incarceration of black and brown people. And, let’s not forget the color of our President’s skin. Hasn’t that been an underlying trigger that has inflamed these extremists?

A minority of Republicans, the Tea Party, took ObamaCare and the country hostage. Why would they not negotiate for so many days, mediating the conflicts and developing a plan for all Americans? We can blame the left, we can blame the right, but maybe we need to listen to those in the middle who might have made the most sense of all.

Sometimes, human beings divide and conquer. Our great nation’s history includes our ancestors’ finding this new land and stealing it from its residents. We fought battle after battle with the American Indians, pushing them farther and farther west and then we confined them to reservations (like we did with the Japanese after WWII), as if they were less than human, while white European Americans reigned. I thought our ancestors came to this country to create a different kind of government, one led by the people, for the people.
Instead, our government is run by those with the deepest pockets. Elections are won by those with the most money. This is no longer a democracy. The term, oligarchy, comes to mind.

Our country was founded on violence and exploitation and since then we fought a bitter Civil War with more Americans being killed than in all our other wars combined. Fifty plus years ago, there was a Civil Rights Movement. We desperately need to create change within our society and our systems so that all of us are not held hostage by the few loudest voices, the biggest money, and the most sensational spin. If this is war, at least let it be nonviolent. And, instead of the winner take all, maybe we can share some of the wealth. 

Cohousing creates family you can choose

Imagine walking into a room and meeting your new family. As an adult. While entering the room, various people reach out to you and you see a few familiar faces. You sense the welcome and the curiosity of these 20+ people sharing delicious, home-cooked food.

This has been my experience while exploring a brand new concept in Nashville, its first Cohousing community, Germantown Commons of Tennessee, LLC, which is located at the corner of 5th and Taylor. This idea appeals to me and my family partly because of the intentional nature of this Cohousing community.

There are only120 Cohousing developments in the United States. Research tells us that living in community with others often prompts a long and healthy life. Perhaps “it takes a village to raise a child” pertains to even us adults.

Cohousing neighborhoods are privately owned homes clustered around shared open space and common facilities. Cars are parked outside the cluster for green space, activities and safety for children. The core values of this community are environmental sustainability, smaller homes, green building attributes, and renewable energy systems. The Cohousing model offers social opportunities, shared responsibilities, privacy, and economic benefits to those involved.

As I think about the people involved in the Germantown Commons, I see ethically just and socially active individuals who seek comfort and enjoyment while sharing meals and/or various activities together. Each of those I have met have been interesting and intriguing people, and watching them learn to communicate and process all that comes with building a home together makes for dynamics similar to those within our families of origin.

The difference though is that these people self-select. They choose to be part of this pioneering group that hearkens back to the old family compound, the extended family that lived together, worked together and built a life for themselves. We don’t choose our families but we can choose to participate in another kind of family, one that we explore first, learn all about, and as we get to know the systems and people, we may decide to join them, or not.

Diana Sullivan, a real estate broker and founding member of the Germantown Commons, says it best: “Cohousing is different. Instead of a developer leading this, it is the residents who initiate, design and partially fund the development.”

The Germantown Commons seeks to make decisions by consensus and by working through any and all issues until solutions are discovered. If you are at all interested in this possibility, please review the website: (www.GermantownCohousing.com). You may just find yourself a new family! 

Hearing Violence inside our Heads

After Newtown’s tragedy and the recent killing of 13 people in Washington, DC, some of us focus on gun use in the hands of mentally ill shooters. Others cringe and now fear anyone with mental health issues. We all want to blame someone or something for these horrors, but unfortunately, our culture itself, including all of us, may be involved.
The New York Times published an article on 9/19/2013 entitled, “The Violence in our Heads” by T. M. Luhrmann, a professor of anthropology at Stanford. She writes about a study that compared the voices that American schizophrenics’ heard to those in Chennai, India. The researchers found that American “voices” are far more violent than are those voices from India. She suggests that not only do we have a culture of violence here in America, but schizophrenics have incorporated this violence and it plays out in the voices that they hear.
In this study schizophrenics in India heard voices that commanded them to do chores, or sometimes something seemingly disgusting or sexual, whereas Americans heard voices commanding them to do horrific acts of violence, including cutting up people, drinking their blood or killing themselves. Some say the media is to blame but perhaps the media only reflects us, our whole culture.
We all have “voices” inside our heads, surely different in quality and type from the voices schizophrenics hear. Who hasn’t heard an internal critical comment when they make mistakes? Many people in all parts of the world “hear” a inner running commentary about life. Some people who have been traumatized can struggle with demanding and condemning internal voices, but most everyone hears some variation on the theme that we are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or rich enough, something along those lines.
Is there any way that America can change its culture of violence, the culture that we and our children and grandchildren experience? Is there any possible way to grow up healthy in such an environment?
Many people go to psychotherapists and psychiatrists to find ways to handle their internal distresses, and therapy and psychiatry can help in some ways. But, we need to change our whole culture including our families, our schools, our economic inequities, our institutions, and our government, and how this government carries out its mission to protect its people. For instance, most people did not want to go to war in Syria, however, when a unexpected diplomatic solution was found, many people were livid that we did not fight, did not fire missiles and kill all kinds of people to teach that dictator a lesson.
I hope it is not too late for us to find some ways to make sweeping changes to our culture so that violence is not the most vivid voice in our country’s schizophrenics’ minds - or, in ours. 

A Pilgrimage for Jobs, Equity, and Fairness

Nashville is proud of its civil rights history. The Freedom Riders and other college students, who conducted sit-in’s in the 1960’s, gave their energy, time and hearts to the civil rights movement here in the South.

Several groups in Nashville advocate for the disadvantaged much like during the civil rights movement, focusing on the rights of immigrants, women, minorities, and searching for racial and economic fairness. Others focus on poverty, hunger, children and youth, human rights, and the cradle to prison pipeline including nonprofits who work with felons, the impoverished, the disabled, the elderly and the needy. Nashville should be proud of these programs and creating a more coordinated and cooperative collaboration among all these services can benefit us all.

Now, a Pilgrimage March will be held in Nashville on July 21 - 23, 2o13. The Pilgrimage is modeled after the Gandhi Salt March in 1930 and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Selma to Montgomery campaign prompting The Voting Rights Act of 1965. Several activists will begin a 2-1/2 day, 20+ mile march walking from the MLK bridge throughout Nashville, then downtown for a press conference at 4:30 PM on Tuesday, July 23rd. To shed light on communities with entrenched poverty, Pilgrimage Hosts will offer testimonials at 13 stops along the way, particularly in some of Nashville’s most impoverished areas like public housing developments. Throughout the march church and community leaders, residents and activists will present their views of these current struggles. This march will follow the principles of nonviolence taught by Ghandi and King. Everyone who is committed to nonviolent action is invited to participate in the march.

On July 1st, the Tennessean published an article by Sekou Franklin, PhD, one of the leaders of this march. He described the new Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) whose design neglects to touch many of these same communities, those that would benefit greatly from the BRT. Because council members and residents complained about this, the Mayor now “hopes to start running ‘lite’ bus rapid transit along Charlotte and Nolensville Pikes in about a year:” http:// www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2013307120134

Please contact your council members and the Mayor to tell them about what still needs to be done to bring more fairness to our transportation and criminal justice systems, and to our educational programs to offer all of Nashville’s people a better place to live. Our message includes the belief that everyone has the freedom to thrive here in Tennessee.

Yes, Nashville has come a long way and has its roots planted firmly in history as one of the best cities in the South for business, education, health care and tourism. Let’s add to those strengths by working hard for all communities, all races, cultures, and religions. Thank you for your part in making Nashville a more friendly, fair and compassionate place to live.

Moving Through Life's Transitions

Life's transitions, two neutral-sounding words.  Not at all descriptive of the difficulties, the joy and the pain that are often felt during such times. I heard recently that a gifted minister in town said this about grief (I am paraphrasing): "I hate grief!" And, I can understand that. Can't you?

Whether it is the loss of a loved one, a new baby born, a divorce, a job change or geographical move, each of these are common transitions. Physical illnesses, menopause, and empty nest are some other "normal" transitions during which people struggle with both negative and sometimes positive internal experiences as well. Even good stress is still stress and can be hard on us.When we are elated, in love and about to be married, the transition from one state of being to another is often complex and complicated.

Stress during transitions are handled or managed, and one part of the equation is that we first need to acknowledge that this change is happening, and accept that reality. Once we become aware, we are on the road to better health.  

Some would say that the next step is to let ourselves really feel what we feel, so as not to avoid or distract ourselves from the impact of the situation. We are told not to just stuff down those feelings by our regular soothing behaviors, but, we may do just that and sometimes this can be a healthy maneuver initially.

Many people survive crises without feeling much because of a natural process that protects us. During and after a medical crisis or car wreck, our whole bodies move into shock helping us through the trauma. Only after the funeral or divorce, when things quieten down and life settles, do some people feel the raw and heavy weight of the crisis. As if nerve endings had been cauterized and numbed, and now the nerve is growing back highly sensitized, hurting horrifically. Perhaps it is at these times that we need the most support as we live our lives with fresh new eyes, noticing how the transition has changed us, how it has transformed us.

During life's transitions I recommend that we all be gentle with ourselves and not push ourselves too hard. We also need to listen to the cacophony of inner voices, graffiti on our internal walls, informing us in coded ways about how to interpret the past, present and future. Therapists know that reframing a struggle as an opportunity for growth is cliche but can be true. Like Dante's Divine Comedy, perhaps we must go down before traveling up to a higher place, a healthier place than before. Sometimes, we transverse this new crevasse easily and sometimes awkwardly, clumsily.

This we know: Life is not for the faint of heart. A good friend Noel says that aging isn't for sissies. Most transitions aren't either. We hope that we can move through them with grace and wisdom, but some changes just bring us to our knees. To move forward we may need others' help.  I wish you the best in your life's challenges, your transitions. For some reason, right now, I feel like singing and dancing to the song, Amazing Grace.

What happens when we lose trust in our government?

The most recent episode of the Newsroom (HBO, 8/25/2013, created by Aaron Sorkin) is about trust. At this episode’s end, Charlie, played by Sam Waterston, offers his boss resignations from his top staff and himself because of a horrible “institutional” mistake. Jane Fonda, playing the owner Leona, refuses to sacrifice her brilliant news team so Charlie yells at her, “They don’t trust us anymore!” Leona yells back, “Then, GET IT BACK!”

If we cannot trust our nation’s government, our leaders, then who can we trust? Can they “get it back?”

In families, good-enough parents act with consistency and reliability so that babies learn to trust early on, so that they can feel secure enough to grow up and have healthy, satisfying lives. When parents fail to offer even an illusion of security and safety to the child, the child grows up being anxious, worried, insecure, and sometimes fearful. Growing up in a family where trust is absent is like growing up in our nation these days.

Perhaps earlier American leaders offered the illusion of safety and security because they hid secrets better. Maybe if we didn’t have 24 hour news coverage and our current media industrial complex, we wouldn’t hear about so many lies and deceit not just about leaders who sext and sexually harass, but about many atrocities like our government’s secretly collecting information about all of us. Even after the whistle got blown, our leaders tried to spin the facts, telling us more untruths.

Normally, we condemn the messenger of the truth, sending him and others like him to prison or death. Since we do not want to hear the bad news that our privacy has been violated, we create stories about our world, our nation and ourselves. We fight to keep the delusion of safety and security in any ways possible and if not able, we need much soothing by using avoidant behaviors like spending more money, using more alcohol, drugs, sex and other means to distract us from the truth of this nation, which is that appearances are not reality. Or, rather, what seems to be true in our experiences may be factually wrong but we don’t want to look too closely to find out any differently. Too scary to view with clear, open eyes.

Our nation is in trouble. It is easy to say that someone needs to resign, to be sent to prison, to be impeached. But, there is a more dire problem. Without excellent journalism, how to we even find the truth? We must not accept the lies we are told. We must not put our heads in the sand so that life feels a tiny bit better. We must work together to confront these truths about our government, our leaders and ourselves in order to make a more perfect union. Our leaders must win back our trust and we need to help them learn how to do that.