"A Change is Gonna Come," one way or another

How in the world did we Americans become a gun-toting nation? Because of fear about our safety, or because some have decided to take control of what little we can control? After all, for most Americans, the American Dream is not all that it’s cracked up to be.

Are all police really as belligerent and aggressive as some we have sometimes witness? No, some are highly compassionate and honest, but some individual police and police departments have severe issues. Prejudice and bias reign, and some police react too quickly in response to their fears - or quotas.

We have more depressed, anxious people in our nation than ever before, whether we have better systems of diagnosing and reporting, or whether it is true. The past 50 years of our American economy, the myths about freedom, democracy, and equality along with guns and mental health problems, have all created our current crisis.

We need more nurturing, beloved communities where people care about their neighbors and watch out for each other and their kids. The extended family has gone by the wayside with our continued high mobility, and many people are often lonely and stressed by financial, physical, emotional and spiritual issues. Excellent, new technologies may separate more than connect us.

The disappointment, disillusionment and rage that grows out of poverty, racial divides, economic insecurities, and fear about the future of the planet, all churn within us. We feel helpless so often that we sometimes develop compulsive behaviors and act out against each other and ourselves while trying to manage these enormous stresses. Many experience shame and harsh judgement.

This is a recipe for disaster. Some votes rarely make a difference given our antiquated, American electoral system. The rich run this oligarchy and elections go to those who follow the rules outlined by their benefactors, until they, too, realize they are no longer public servants but puppets, controlled by money. And,  we and our ancestors are all complicit in the way things are. 

Some cry out for a revolution.  What can we do to change the tide, to improve our health and create new, more effective ways of dealing with each other and our world?

Take the money out of politics. Develop gun/weapon regulations and enforce them for all people. Take care of the homeless, the elderly, the sick, the poor, and children, providing mental health services to all who need them. Deinstitutionalize our prisons full of people who have been violated by law enforcement and judicial sentencing. Rehabilitate people. Decrease the huge gap between the incomes of everyone. Bring hope that “ a change is gonna come (song by Sam Cooke)".  Easy to say and very hard to do.

I certainly don’t have all the answers about how to change each of these systems to create a better life for all people. But, I do know that if we band together and work toward some common goals, we have the power to make healthy changes, one person/system at a time. 

Occupy Gender Neutral Pronouns

The Basics

The University of Tennessee, Knoxville, Office for Diversity and Inclusion asked in a post that students, professors and the administration welcome all of the students to campus this year, including those who are gender non-conforming. They suggested that the college community ask students what name they would like to be called and what pronouns to use when they are addressed. Then, all hell broke loose.

What happened
The media got involved locally and nationally, the beginning of a perfect storm. Some thought the university was requiring the campus to speak in new ways, using unfamiliar terms to many on campus. All sorts of people, including newscasters, began sarcastic snickering and hostile joking about this request. These responses are not funny.

Chris Sanders, Executive Director of the Tennessee Equality Project (TEP) sent out a 9/1/2015 email with the subject line: Fight back! Family Action trying to get Legislature to stop UT-K's trans welcoming program. He added: “Now Family Action of Tennessee is urging its members to contact state legislators to get them to "neuter" UT's program. Offensive doesn't quite capture it!” Chris also suggested that we sign a “...petition to generate emails to the State Senate Education Committee and to the State House Education Administration and Planning Committee .... so that they know you want UT to make its own decisions about programming to make transgender and gender non-conforming people welcome!: The petition link: https://www.change.org/p/tennessee-senate- education-committee-provide-legislature-with-accurate-information-about-ut-k-s-gender- neutral-pronoun-program

Some state leaders began frothing at the mouth, outraged, sounding like one national radio host, Tom Starnes who wrote, “Across the fruited plain, institutions of higher education are turning their taxpayer-funded fiefdoms into gender neutral zones where free thought is outlawed,” in Back to School: Let the left-wing indoctrination begin (http:// www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/09/01/universities-are-becoming-gender-neutral- zones-where-free-thought-is-outlawed.html ). Mr. Starnes’ comments were inflammatory and inaccurate. UT-K’s request was in no way outlawing free thought.
In the 1970’s some women decided that they wanted to use the term “Ms.” instead of “Miss” or “Mrs.,” the latter two describing a woman’s relationship only to a man. Ms. magazine prompted our now common usage of this term but a similar backlash had also occurred. Some thought women were getting too uppity, they called out the feminists, labelling them extremists, femi-nazis, and even lesbians!

Why don’t most people line up to support the change in pronoun usage?

Using a variety of pronouns may be confusing at first. Some want simplicity, hate change, and wish for clear dualities: ie. man or woman, black or white. However, we are a melting pot of colors and there are unique mixtures of genders as well. Why can’t everyone welcome the transgender community with open arms, just like Jesus would do?

Most children go through a time of exploring their bodies, their identities, and their personalities. By not allowing children to freely explore, we are telling them both biologically and emotionally that it is not OK to be who they are. That there is something, in fact, wrong with them, that they need to be different. “Be like Mary or Joe, just don’t be you.”

Such shame, rejection, and distortion can make any child confused, angry, insecure, highly anxious, and/or depressed. Why would any parent or any society want to inflict that horror upon any child?

Those who rant against UT-K’s post separate people, preaching that there is a right and a wrong way to live, to be, to exist. Not acknowledging who a person really is, especially regarding gender or sexuality, can lead to trauma through violence, bullying, and possibly premature death. Why would anyone act so hostile and demeaning toward those they perceive as different?
First of all, some people are extremely insecure even if they display strong, macho characteristics. The most insecure people can be the loudest and the most rigid. They may also feel like their way of life (a rigid construct seeing life as black and white, not gray or brown) is being devalued by the “other,” threatening their very foundation, a strong, unmoving rock on which they depend for their very existence. If this foundation crumbles like sand, life can seem like a cascading, chaotic disaster over which they have no control. So, they yell and scream guarding their highly fragile egos.

If we challenge their rules, then we are asking them to examine everything that they believe to be true. No small matter. Thankfully, some will evolve away from their age-old opinions and open themselves up to discussion, maybe even changing their minds. But, many people gather their community members even closer together, circling the wagons, ready to fight and defend.

What happened next?
Top lawmakers in TN ramped up. Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey said that UT-K’s welcoming request was "the clearest example of political correctness run amok that I have seen in quite some time,” even though Margie Nichols, UT's vice chancellor for communications, explained that this was not a UT-K policy, just a recommendation (The Tennessean, http:// www.tennessean.com/story/news/education/2015/09/01/lawmaker-senate-should- investigate-ut-pronouns-post/71529306/)

After several days of state and national attention, UT-K decided to pull the post that began all this controversy: “In a letter to the Board of Trustees, UT system President Joe DiPietro said he was ‘deeply concerned about the attention this matter continues to receive and the harm it has had on the reputation of the University of
Tennessee.’” (http://www.tennessean.com/story/news/education/2015/09/04/ut- removes-web-post-gender-neutral-pronouns/71726984/) I am deeply concerned that the university has made this decision, evoking harm yet again to the LGBTQIA community.

This storm makes for a very difficult discussion about how to create a better society where all people are not only equal but treasured. It is a debate we will continue to have until a larger majority of people support this issue. Look what happened with marriage equality!

I agree with Marisa Richmond with the Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition who said: “Anytime we challenge our notions of conformity and we find ourselves accepting different forms of diversity, I think society benefits” (http://fox17.com/m/news/ features/top-stories/stories/UT-Encourages-Gender-Neutral-Pronouns---Eric- Alvarez-192212.shtml#.VeYJCXi0OXl). Instead, our whole society suffers. 

The Attack on Planned Parenthood

If you want to witness an angry U.S. Senator speak to Senate Republicans, listen to Elizabeth Warren’s recent speech about the possible defunding of Planned Parenthood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeilHs9kZ2g  In that video, you will hear some pretty strong words about how there has been a focused, long term attack on the rights of women by the extreme right wing in our country.

Senator Warren asks: Why are we fighting a battle that belongs in the 1950’s or the 1890’s?  She describes the many bills  throughout the nation, including Tennessee, designed to banish legal abortions by making them extremely hard to access. Most people, especially the poor and disadvantaged, may be thwarted from terminating a pregnancy thereby increasing welfare rolls, which also annoys these right wing zealots. One day, many marginalized people may not have access to the range of medical services that Planned Parenthood provides, services like cancer and STD screenings, treatment, and birth control.

Katha Pollitt, in How to Really Defend Planned Parenthood (New York Times, 8/05/2015), wrote that “The whole society benefits when motherhood is voluntary.”  She also reports that, “according to the Guttmacher Institute, nearly one in three women will have had at least one abortion by the time she reaches menopause.”  

Why don’t more prochoice people  speak out about their beliefs in the rights for all people to make medical decisions for themselves without governmental interference?  “Silence, fear, shame, stigma,” Ms. Pollitt answers. 

Senator Warren points out that 1 in 5 women have used Planned Parenthood at some time in their lives, and why: because their doors are open to all genders and income levels. I myself used Planned Parenthood as a young adult.

 The fact is that federal funds do not even fund abortions. Rather, they are earmarked for other medical services.

Why the continued attack on women in our nation and in Tennessee?

There are some leaders who fight this battle against women for political gain.  Some are acting out age old issues they have with women, beginning with their mothers. Some who preach and advocate for celibacy or abstinence are sometimes themselves adulterers. Some of these hypocrites have amassed vast political power.

Sometimes, people who protest so much about certain issues have some deep fear, rage, or conflict about the issue rooted in their lives. Trauma of any sort, even emotional trauma and neglect, occurring in a child’s early years, can lead to all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors, including protesting against an issue that relates intimately to the person who has been hurt.  Such abuse happens in many forms ranging from rigid church dogma to strict, fearful, stressed, and/or substance abusing parents.

I support the rights of all people to use excellent and comprehensive medical services.  If we defund Planned Parenthood, we are once again separating the rich from the poor, reinforcing income inequality where rich people can obtain such services but poverty-stricken people cannot.  Our current type of capitalistic society is directly linked to income inequality which abuses the poor and disadvantaged.

For now, we need to stop our Congress and our state from continuing to pass legislation that prohibits so many people from receiving excellent medical care at Planned Parenthood. Please talk with your legislators frequently and consistently about this issue.

An Angry White Woman on Why Black Lives Matter

Why is a middle age white woman writing about Black Lives Mattering? Because white people need to challenge other white people about racism in America. We also need to stand together with our brothers and sisters of all races, religions and value systems to create sweeping change across the country. The time to act is now.

We white people are a privileged group of people. We have never had to worry that a police officer might attack us or our children for little or no cause. We have not grown up as victims of bigotry and prejudice just because of our skin color. We have not had to live through a long history of slavery and injustice, and we are not even aware of our own privilege most of the time.

Write me off as an angry white woman. Or, call me a person who wants to increase fairness, civility, equal rights, and compassion for all people. We white people need to not only face our own internal racism, we need to talk with and educate each other about our racial values, and we need to change our society’s system of structural racism.

We now know some cities’ names only because of extreme violence against black people. Ferguson and Charleston come to mind. Think of the names of so many black lives that were recently and abruptly halted because of racism, violence and guns, some of them being children: Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Jordan Davis, Walter Scott, Michael Brown, Sandra Bland, Jonathan Sanders, and many more. All of these black lives mattered and they were killed unfairly and violently by white people.

Although there is still some controversy around the deaths of Sandra Brand and Jonathan Sanders, police violence happens so frequently, we white people can hardly imagine how African Americans feel about white people and about the United States of America. Doesn’t seem so united to me.

Our prisons and jails are so full of black lives, some incarcerated for not being able to pay bail for a traffic violation, or a petty crime. We imprison our poor and blacks, immigrants and people with minor drug offenses. Many of our correctional facilities are run by private corporations that make huge profits based on the amount of beds filled each day, incentivizing profit.

Let’s change the dialogue, let’s ask white people to take responsibility for changing our patriarchal, mostly white systems. This is no small task. We cannot change everyone’s minds or values, but we can speak out and influence our leaders, asking them to make changes that will improve black lives.

Black people have been oppressed, injured and killed in unspeakable ways throughout our nation’s history, and we are still wounding blacks today in prisons, in housing projects and in current educational systems. We white people are much of the reason that structural racism still occurs, and it is up to us to do something about it. 

Raising Unwanted Children

The Tennessean did a fine job describing what has changed regarding new abortion laws beginning on July 1, 2015, and described a lawsuit filed about the 2014 vote on Amendment 1 (see http://www.tennessean.com/story/news/politics/2015/07/04/abortion-rules-take-effect-amid-legal-battles/29640857/). 

The Yes on 1 campaign was victorious (53%) giving state legislators the right to decide about girls’ and women’s reproductive health, including birth control and abortions, instead of letting females make such decisions in consultation with their families, doctors and faith leaders. The lawsuit disagrees with how the vote was counted, and a judge last week agreed not to dismiss that suit.

Tennessee has enacted legislation that makes it almost impossible for some women to get good reproductive healthcare and/or abortions, and the fee for abortions has now almost doubled.  Now, we are not just discriminating against the poor but against rural Tennessee citizens who often travel to larger cities to receive excellent healthcare.

Some women now need to travel two days instead of one if they are seeking consultation about abortion and choose that route. Missing work adds stress and often loss of income. Those who voted Yes on 1 and those who didn’t vote at all have given our legislators the power to make such changes.

Some say, “Most women don’t really think about these matters or consult with others. They just get pregnant and decide quickly and easily about abortions.”  Think again.  Women do not take lightly the termination of a fetus.  Having practiced as a psychotherapist for over 25 years, I can tell you that women suffer greatly about making such decisions.

And, men? Are they clamoring to support unwanted babies?  Children may be born before parents have a high school education or the skills to raise a healthy child. 

Pregnancy can occur by accident, by sexual assault, and when using appropriate birth control. Think about adolescents and other women who cannot afford or take good care of a child. Think about the children. What a difficult way to come into this world.

It seems like the same people who dislike welfare numbers also want to ban abortions. Because of these new laws, there will be more babies whose mothers cannot afford abortions, who may need public assistance to help their unwanted children have the very basics, like food and shelter. They may not be as able to support their children’s emotional needs.

Add in the stress of parents working 2 - 3 jobs to make ends meet, and how families are negatively impacted by the absence of parental involvement and the effects of parental stress. Domestic violence increases.

Is this the kind of world we want to live in, one that helps babies be born with so many strikes against them?  I hope children can be born into healthier environments so that our state flourishes and becomes a better place for all people.

A Sign: No Gays Allowed

The Supreme Court recently made an excellent decision about marriage equality and now, the backlash from conservatives. 

Businesses that deal with weddings, like photographers, bakeries, florists, and wedding planners will be making some decisions. A friend says that for those businesses that don’t want to serve the LGBT community, perhaps we can say, "OK, fine, as long as you advertise that you are denying these customers.”  Let the market itself take care of those businesses.  Unfortunately though, in many rural places, people do not have a variety of choices.

Recently, some news: “Tennessee hardware store owner has been getting death threats after posting a ‘No Gays Allowed’ sign on his front door, but he stands by his homophobic message,” according to the New York Daily News (http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/tennessee-hardware-store-owner-posts-no-gays-allowed-sign-article-1.2277673)  He took down the first sign and replaced it with: 

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone who would violate our rights of freedom of speech & freedom of religion.”

I do not understand how LGBT customers can violate his freedom of speech, much less his freedom of religion.

Jeff Amyx, the store owner, is also a Baptist minister. I don’t know anywhere in the Bible that it says not to sell a wrench to a LGBT person.  Maybe this man doesn’t serve people of other faiths, like Jewish people. Does he serve adulterers? Wasn’t there something in the Ten Commandments about that?  I don’t know how business owners can know such facts about our private lives anyway, unless they have gaydar.

Chris Sanders, Chairman of the Tennessee Equality Project (TEP) says, “A few hateful business owners cannot stem the tide of the growing number of companies embracing equality. We have over 20 new members of Tennessee Open For Business from East TN.   So this hardware store doesn't define the region.”

My friend, Ernie Boyd, said in response to the USA Today article: “Can you imagine if a sign says, ‘No Baptist Ministers Allowed?’ He’d justifiably be upset. But, then again, he wasn't born a Baptist pastor. He chose to be one.”

Over 50 years ago, African Americans often couldn’t stop on road trips to eat in restaurants or use public bathrooms because they were barred from all-white establishments. There were laws against interracial couples as well. The Supreme Court finally intervened. 

I don’t want to live in a country where business owners can deny services solely based on their beliefs and assumptions about people.  The legality of denying customers is important but even more significant are the morality and ethics of excluding particular types of customers.

A business owner, Saralee Terry Woods voiced her opinion: “BookManBookWoman Bookstore welcomes everyone and we do not discriminate. One of the owners has been speaking out for gay rights in television and radio interviews for more than 30 years.  We have a Tennessee Equality Project sign on our front door.”  This is the kind of world I would like to live in.

Hedy Weinberg, the executive director of Tennessee’s chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union, says: “Gay and lesbian people are our neighbors, coworkers, family members and friends. When it comes to being able to be served by a business, they should be treated like anyone else. Religion should not be used as an excuse to discriminate against LGBT people. Businesses that are open to the public should be open to everyone on the same terms.”

My question to Mr. Amyx, the hardware store owner: “If you are a Christian, didn’t you grow up singing a song about Jesus loving ‘all the little children of the world?’”

Boys to Men: Home-grown American Violence

Disclaimer: Some of the following is true for all people, not just for males.

When a boy child is born, a celebration occurs. What happens after birth can result in violence.
We teach boys to play with “gender-appropriate” toys, like guns, trucks or swords. Boys may also choose such toys partially influenced by their hormones. Little boys are often taught not to cry when they are hurt, even as toddlers.

Boys are trained to compete and win whenever possible. Boys may be bullied by larger boys or by parents and coaches whose tones of voice or words can sound condemnatory: Don’t throw (or run) like a girl! Don’t be a sissie! Such words are quite meaningful and powerful to young, formative minds, especially when comparing boys’ skills to girls’.

Another: Don’t be the last one chosen for baseball or football. If boys are not natural athletes, fathers may reprimand or ignore them, even though the sons may perform brilliantly either academically or artistically.

Little boys soak up the words and actions of elders who praise sports celebrities and who watch TV shows and movies where the man takes all. Heroes are CEO’s, generals, coaches and sometimes clergy.

Some boys are abused emotionally, verbally, and physically by older kids, family members and churches. They are taught not to share their negative feelings, so they learn to detach from such feelings until a perfect storm occurs, when they may act out their rage, fear, or pain against others or themselves. We blame them for their “evil” actions.

But, we are also complicit. We prompt boys to play violent games like football and then usher them into the military and into law enforcement where they may act out legally in the name of freedom and safety.

Home-grown American violence is difficult to change because violence is a core value in our American culture. Compete to win no matter what it takes. Spank the bullies who terrorize kids and admonish them at the very same time not to act violently toward others.

Boys become men and some act in violent ways toward women through domestic abuse, sex trafficking and sexual assaults. Some white boys and men abuse minorities.

The good news is that Pat Shea, CEO of the Nashville YWCA, offers a solution. She says that we need to encourage men to help work on these issues of violence. We women have not been able to solve the problem of male violence. It takes men to stand up against violence and teach boys how to treat and respect themselves and others.

If you are committed to help change the violent nature of our society, please contact existing organizations focused on gun violence, domestic and sexual violence, and violence against the marginalized, impoverished, and minorities. Join with organizations like the YWCA, The Sexual Assault Center, the Brady Campaign (to prevent gun violence), and the NAACP, to decrease violence for all Americans.