"Me, Too? Time for Change"

I am glad that the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment charges have stirred up this nation and the planet. Men with power assaulting women has been such a normal way of life, a shock may help us create a cultural change, a shift from tolerating to criminalizing this closeted behavior.

The new allegations that Weinstein hired Israeli private intelligence investigators, like Black Cube, to intimidate and to get dirt on some of this victims is not only appalling but clearly illustrates the gravity of his crimes, exemplifying extraordinary behavior.

I have often heard, “Boys will be boys,” while living in a society where this type of “power over” others happens far too frequently.

The ”Me, Too” Movement has prompted most women to review their lives for such assaults, some memories being very clear and some not so much.  Trauma affects our brains, spirits, and bodies in interesting and painful ways whether a man “just” puts his tongue in an unwilling mouth or conducts a violent rape.  Trauma is trauma.

Many men may be feeling nervous and worried, asking themselves if the whistle may be blown on them.  Even worse are men who won’t even imagine that they could be identified as a sexual assailant.  They tell themselves that a relationship was consensual or that because they married their secretary or nurse, there was no offense. Isn’t it OK to touch an employee’s body without asking, imagining she wants it?

In 1976, I was a 5’ tall, 24 yr old small woman, he a 6’ tall, 45 yr old large man, a graduate school professor at a well-respected university with a scholarship available.  Having worked with him before and because some professionals I trusted seemed to hold him in high esteem, I inquired about the scholarship. We decided to dine at the Gerst House but met at his Green Hills apartment.  After serving bourbon on the rocks, he kissed me. Big tongue, big man.  I suggested we move toward supper while he pouted but agreed.  Needless to say, I didn’t get the scholarship.  The good news is that I had said “no” indirectly, and he didn’t push too hard.

I am not sure what helped me say “no” to him and to a few other powerful men in my life. Not being desperate for the scholarship and having supportive parents both helped.  I didn’t have to compromise my values or my body because I am privileged in many ways and he was smart enough not to overpower me.

Are these men just little boys begging their mothers to praise and adore them, displaying their extreme neediness and insecurities? Are these men so frail and feel so badly about themselves that they need extreme adoration and worship, asking women to pleasure them physically because they are desperate for illustrations of their power? Where is the line between crime and consent?  Don’t we women learn early and well to submit or to please to get what some of what we want?

Some men’s methods for building self esteem are disgusting, deplorable, and deceitful, manipulating if they have power over their prey.  Women often suffer even when some women are attracted to men in power.  But, that's another story.

Why do these predatory, powerful men continue to assault and sexually harass women?  Because they can.  Because they can also afford to settle complaints out of court and keep women quiet.

I ask women and men to change this pattern, knowing it will take time and much effort because in our lifetimes, unfortunately, it has always been this way.