What happens when we lose trust in our government?

The most recent episode of the Newsroom (HBO, 8/25/2013, created by Aaron Sorkin) is about trust. At this episode’s end, Charlie, played by Sam Waterston, offers his boss resignations from his top staff and himself because of a horrible “institutional” mistake. Jane Fonda, playing the owner Leona, refuses to sacrifice her brilliant news team so Charlie yells at her, “They don’t trust us anymore!” Leona yells back, “Then, GET IT BACK!”

If we cannot trust our nation’s government, our leaders, then who can we trust? Can they “get it back?”

In families, good-enough parents act with consistency and reliability so that babies learn to trust early on, so that they can feel secure enough to grow up and have healthy, satisfying lives. When parents fail to offer even an illusion of security and safety to the child, the child grows up being anxious, worried, insecure, and sometimes fearful. Growing up in a family where trust is absent is like growing up in our nation these days.

Perhaps earlier American leaders offered the illusion of safety and security because they hid secrets better. Maybe if we didn’t have 24 hour news coverage and our current media industrial complex, we wouldn’t hear about so many lies and deceit not just about leaders who sext and sexually harass, but about many atrocities like our government’s secretly collecting information about all of us. Even after the whistle got blown, our leaders tried to spin the facts, telling us more untruths.

Normally, we condemn the messenger of the truth, sending him and others like him to prison or death. Since we do not want to hear the bad news that our privacy has been violated, we create stories about our world, our nation and ourselves. We fight to keep the delusion of safety and security in any ways possible and if not able, we need much soothing by using avoidant behaviors like spending more money, using more alcohol, drugs, sex and other means to distract us from the truth of this nation, which is that appearances are not reality. Or, rather, what seems to be true in our experiences may be factually wrong but we don’t want to look too closely to find out any differently. Too scary to view with clear, open eyes.

Our nation is in trouble. It is easy to say that someone needs to resign, to be sent to prison, to be impeached. But, there is a more dire problem. Without excellent journalism, how to we even find the truth? We must not accept the lies we are told. We must not put our heads in the sand so that life feels a tiny bit better. We must work together to confront these truths about our government, our leaders and ourselves in order to make a more perfect union. Our leaders must win back our trust and we need to help them learn how to do that. 

Politicians Who Lie

Politicians’ sexual lives are exposed. Some people don’t want to vote for a man who frequents prostitutes or who is sexting women other than his wife, along with naked and/or pornographic photos. Some male politicians act out sexually with men while denouncing homosexuality. Since America seems to believe in monogamy, if not in actuality at least in the ideal, these married politicians are suspect.

I am not condemning anyone for sexual behaviors between consenting adults, and I am not trying to evaluate any one politician’s behaviors. Even though I am a psychotherapist, I do not know these people personally or professionally.

What intrigues me is that they are mostly men and that they seem to lie so well. My list includes JFK, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner. How these powerful men can look a reporter or America in the eye and tell us that they are not acting out sexually when in fact they are, is amazing. They are so good at lying, it’s scary.
Let’s examine lying. All people lie at some point in their lives, if not every day. Withholding the truth or lies of omission are common. Perhaps more important are the frequency, severity, and content of the lies as well as the power these politicians have. We Americans want good decision makers, and I know that at least one of these men has done incredible work for our nation and for the world. Some don’t like Bill Clinton for political reasons or for lying to America, but he has become a respected humanitarian throughout the world.

An excellent politician may need to be a good salesman. Getting others to believe in you, getting their agreement to be led by you, are no small feats. But, do they really want to help our country and be good public servants, or are they mainly feeding their own egos, having some great insecurity inside? Probably both. Narcissists can be charming, enjoyable and downright cunning, desperately needing and wanting excellent feedback from their populace. Some self-destruct.

Some people call these behaviors, sex addiction. Addiction may mean that one is powerless over the object of their passionate need. Others believe it is more complex and complicated, and that compulsive acting out is a coping strategy, a pattern that one uses frequently to manage feelings and problems within. These may be age old behaviors that we just didn’t hear about as much before, now that we have a 24 hour news cycle and hacking.

I ask us to use intelligent exploration and careful analysis about who makes decisions about us and our country. Surely there are some politicians who can be just as if not more effective than some of these who need the fame and power of political position to feed that part of themselves than never gets filled up. Like a bucket with a tiny hole, they are in constant need of replenishment. 

Trayvon Martin was killed and his killer is free: A commentary on our nation

Yesterday, the verdict of not guilty for George Zimmerman has cast this country into a dark hole, one I am not sure we will ever crawl out of. 

Why are black youth and black men crucified just for being dark skinned?  Some talk about archetypes, about the dark and the light and how it is inherent in people to fear darkness.  Well, darkness maybe but I believe we are taught from an early age in this country that white is better than black and if not formally taught, we breathe it in the air.  The good news is that young people seem not to be soaking up this message so easily.  Like with LGBGT issues, young people are challenging the very idea that some people are not treated fairly, a heresy to these youth.

I just watched Lincoln, the movie, yesterday.  A well done, beautiful film that for me describes how things get done politically above all else.  “I pat your back, you pat mine,” is yet another message that we have grown up absorbing just by living in America.  In fact, most groups work that way. Is that natural?  Can we change it, or is it just human nature?

On this bleak day, while so many are reeling from what many African Americans expected, that George Zimmerman is a free man, why is it that white people are so horrified and surprised?  Why did we expect it would be anything different from that outcome?  Were we just feeling hopeful again, idealistic and optimistic about the justice system’s doing something right in this case?  It could be that the prosecutor didn’t present the case well, or that this tragic death occurred because George Zimmerman was scared, paranoid, racist, and/or a vigilante, or because Trayvon Martin fought back, and wouldn’t you if you saw or somehow knew that a guy had a gun and was pursuing you for no good reason?  No matter what reason Martin was killed, is this how we handle his tragic death?  By not charging Zimmerman to begin with because police believed his Stand Your Ground theory?  By not investigating and presenting a well-prepared case to a jury of 6 instead of 12, certainly not expecting any bias with 5 of the 6 being white women in Florida, a state that also suppresses the right to vote for the poor, black, disenfranchised, and elderly?  What kind of nation do we live in?

Perhaps it is not that we should be worrying about freedom from harm by foreign terrorists but freedom from harm by our own citizens who take it upon themselves to police our youth, to kill and maim at their own pleasure all in the guise of protecting the neighborhood.  Maybe we can focus on how we can find the freedom for all people to thrive in this nation, to have enough to eat, a place to sleep, education, jobs and incarceration only when there is fairness in our justice system.  Then, perhaps we can worry about other countries’ freedoms and democracies though I am not naive enough to believe that we fight wars for only these noble values rather than for our own self interests like oil, money and power.

America needs to look at itself in the mirror.  Who are the true villains in our land?  We reinforce the money grabbers whose greed and deceit run rampant in the banking systems, the corporate world and unfortunately in our own government, all of which include true criminals who never get prosecuted.  Let us look at ourselves in the mirror too, instead of blaming this horror on others, separate from ourselves.  Let us look deep inside ourselves and find our own darknesses, our own prejudices and privilege, our own fears, demons and rage.  Then, only when we explore our own complexities and understand them might we be able to understand any others who are different from us, whose actions may seem aggressive but who have excellent and valid reasons for their fear and rage.  

Only then can we point fingers really, even though I have just done so throughout this post.  Who among us is honest enough to cast stones?  Who never lies or cheats?  Each of us needs to do something to confront all the inequities in our country regarding the lack of equal rights for all minorities, including women, LGBGT people, immigrants, people of non-Christian religions, and all those who have been unfairly incarcerated in the huge prison industrial complex that has become the 20th and 21st centuries’ new form of slavery.  Is it fair just because someone is born to a black family instead of a white one, or someone is born into poverty instead of privilege?  How can we make our society a more just and compassionate one? 

How do you know when it's time to consider divorce?

Simple answer: When you have tried everything else.

Oftentimes, I work with individuals who have been blindsided by the words, “I want a divorce. I am not in love with you anymore.” A lightening bolt out of the blue. On the other extreme, some couples have threatened each other with divorce for many years, and we might wonder, “What are they waiting for?”

How do people decide when it’s time to consider a divorce? There is certainly no recipe to follow, no formal rule of thumb about when that might be for any specific couple. Every individual and every couple are unique with their own histories, personalities, interactional patterns, biologies, and more. When I am working with an individual who is contemplating divorce and she just can’t bring herself to take that step, I realize that she is not ready yet - for whatever reasons. Too often this kind of person feels shame about not making a divorce decision, wondering why she can’t take that plunge, change her entire life, shake up her whole world. But I don’t wonder, and here’s why.

Divorce is a huge commitment, an enormous change in a relationship and in lifestyles, a upset apple cart for not only the couple but for the children and the extended family. No small matter. No wonder people need to make this kind of decision not only with emotion but consciously, with rational and clear thinking, just in case there is a way to either save and improve the marriage, attend to an unhappy partner’s intrapsychic troubles, or help the couple tweak their communication styles and patterns, so that everybody is more satisfied, healthier and hopefully happier.

Sometimes, fear and anxiety about the unknown keeps people in pretty disturbing relationships because at least the relationship is familiar and staying with the familiar is sometimes easier than jumping ship into risky territory. Sometimes, it is hard to imagine how a couple has stayed together so long because they seem to not only dislike each other but to hold each other in great disdain. We therapists realize that we don’t know everything and that something is keeping the couple together, and we want to discover those reasons and honor them.

Some therapists want above all to keep couples married. I do too when that is a good decision for them. But, I can sometimes see how a divorce can help a family grow healthier instead of continuing a tragic spiral downwards, when there is much harm happening within the couple and the family. I often tell couples that I don’t have an agenda for them when they enter couples therapy, that they are the ones who will figure out at some point if the marriage can be healed or not.

I recommend highly that couples do all that they can, find services to help them make such weighty decisions so that their marriages are respected well, and the difficulties are carefully examined in order to make necessary changes, or to decide that the marriage will end. And, as strange as it may sound, some families do thrive and develop new lives after divorce, lives much more satisfying than ever before.

Rest in Peace

We tried to save him, this young soul
Entering into adulthood, brave
But broken, full of life,
Sorrow and pain.

Everyone tried their best
To save him, to rescue him,
Loving him so well
So he could blossom and thrive.

When did that moment occur?
When did the last straw break?
What strong breeze led to
His final decision?

Why didn't he hold on for
Just another moment to see
If he could feel better, find some 
Meaning and heal?

But, he tried it all, all of the
Right stuff. He tried his best,
And finally, he just couldn't
Take it anymore.

We grieve with him,
That his life became so
Full of misery and distress,
So much despair.

We will never know all
The reasons why,
But, we do know that he
Will be well remembered.

Rest in peace, you gentle soul.

American Values Need Re-examination

These days we cannot watch the news without hearing about rape and violence, power over another, perpetrated by someone full of rage and insecurity, victimizing those less powerful physically and/or emotionally. Ours is a society that criminalizes some forms of violence and glorifies others. No wonder we are confused and frightened.

Recently, we became disturbed because some military leaders who are supposed to protect others from sexual assault may also be performing these same aggressive, soul- crushing acts against others. We elect our leaders to uphold our wholesome American values but some violate the law, covering up criminal acts, lying to those who believed in them.
Why do people rape, terrorize or violate others? Certainly the reasons are complex, complicated and almost endless, many of these actions performed by people with histories of severe trauma or neglect, psychiatric problems and more. But, is violence becoming a norm in America, land of the free and home of the brave? Our young people can’t help but notice early on that life is not fair. They witness not just TV and media sensationalism and horror, they also observe America’s consistent aggression toward other countries and its own citizens, the poor, the marginalized and the oppressed.
America’s heroes are football players who are trained to do whatever it takes physically, within guidelines, to win. Now, we realize we have also damaged these football players from high schoolers to the NFL, those who worked hard and learned a valuable skill only to suffer greatly, becoming brain and/or body damaged. Why do we Americans enjoy and support such a dangerous sport? Do we want this for our children?
Our nation’s leadership sometimes lies to us and starts wars, imprisons people without due process, and carries out secret drone assassinations. Where is the line between between evil and rationalizing our military actions as means to an end, to keep America safe and free while killing huge numbers of innocent people? We live in a country that justified slavery for so long (and still does, if you analyze the prison industrial complex), and we now watch our leaders and heroes do whatever it takes to win, get wealthy, and exploit others for some perceived good. No wonder we have gotten confused about what is right and what is wrong.
Those who assault others physically or symbolically, be they school bullies, elected leaders, our neighbors, or CEO’s, they are the highest numbers of cloaked terrorists in our country. Far more than those from other countries or religions. The irony is that we glorify these terrorists, they are our role models. We are training our children to take what they want no matter what, within the guise of doing good for themselves and the world. Is this a new American value? Are you frightened and outraged by these seemingly heroic American terrorists walking among us every day? I am. 

The Death of My Father: A Tribute to My Mother

As I think about my father’s recent death, my mind rehearses the events that led up to that final day.  The deep sadness, the helplessness we all felt as my father withered away in his bed at home, not eating, hardly drinking, sleeping more and more, in and out of consciousness.  But, even as I recall the pain of that time, my heart turns to my mother, and my witnessing her grief.
My father was a brilliant, wonderful, well-loved man who helped so many people throughout his life, including his children, Michael, Helen and Barbara, and his grandchildren Glenn, Clay and Kate.  He and my mother were so amazingly connected that most everyone who knew them still talk about the marvelous, rare interdependence and abiding love that they shared.  My father was in the spotlight, charismatic, teaching and preaching, counseling and assisting people through the remarkable transitions this life has to offer.  And, my mother was right there beside him, holding him up.
My mother stood lovingly by his side, sat amongst his parishioners, and supported my father, handling his correspondence, his schedule, and his life especially as they retired and aged.  No, theirs wasn’t a perfect marriage but it was one of the few that I have ever known intimately, that worked so well.
Imagine this couple who knew each other for 78 years and married 69 of those many years.  They lived through two wars with my father in danger as a Marine pilot.  They had three babies and then my father got the call to seminary.  My mother’s love was steadfast and sure, consistent and deep.  My father blossomed vibrantly in her love and she glowed quietly and adoringly in his.  As I grew older, became middle aged, I watched closely as my mother took care of my father so well.  Imagine then, my mother’s losing this husband of hers.
When I think about my mother, I am filled with grief and she is the one still living, the one who outlived my father.  At almost 90 years of age, she handles herself so beautifully on the outside, but she grieves raw, primitive emotions deep down, filling her with sadness, anger and loss.  She remains realistic and understanding about my daddy’s dying days and how he could live no longer given his physical health.  My father, she knows, is in a better place, and she is still here, very much alive and continuing to live as fully as possible.
This has been the hardest loss I have ever witnessed.  For her.  For the rest of us, surely we miss my father very much.  We are so sad, but we also know he lived a long and wonderful life, and it was time for him to leave this earthly realm.  But, no one can imagine how my mother feels.  Not even me.